quinta-feira, 29 de julho de 2010

Decisions, Decisions

Good Evening, y´all.

Gosh, how I´ve missed daily posting. It feels like I can finally talk about some less serious stuff in here… Hehe.

I mean – there are a million things I´d like to share with you!

First – remember when I told you all that my Mom was pregnant?

Well…

I´M HAVING A BABY BROTHER!

Yeeeeeep - it´s a BOY!

After 3 girls… I know, she´s brave. Haha.

But it´s true – a 40-year-old woman having her 4th child… It was pretty much a surprise to all of us (including herself! It was an accident).

The baby is supposed to be borned on late August/early September. I´m already beyond excited!

Anyhow… Enough about baby Miguel (his name will be Miguel! Ok, I´m done…).

Moving on to thing number two: school starts next Monday.

I know. Ugh!

BUT, I should remember what Tica said (my Biology Teacher - she´s lovely!). We only have about 4 months until the end of the school year. Our second semester flies by, according to her. I´ll soon be a junior! YAY (or nay?)!

Thing number three…

I should be honest now.

I know I´m not trying hard enough. I haven´t been trying hard enough. I admit it.

It´s just that the last comments I received… Encouraging ones…

They made ED feel happy. Happy for convicing me I was actually doing the right things, following the right path. When, in fact, I wasn´t.

I should know that a banana, half a tbsp of rolled oats, salads and a slice of whole-wheat quiche isn´t enough. Not for a 15-year-old teenage girl, not for a woman, not even for a kid.  Let alone myself, recovering from an ED and in desperate need of weight gain.

I know it´s not too safe to build a meal-plan by myself, but since I do want to recover by myself…

I think I need some advice. I mean… I´m 15. I´m about 5’2 tall or so. I weight XX lbs (ok, so I don´t feel comfortable sharing this number with the world… at least, not yet).

How much do you guys think I should eat?

I have a number in mind, just so you know. But I wanted to be a bit more sure.

So, yeah. I think that´s enough for a post :)

What I ate today… I know it´s still not enough, though… I feel pretty embarassed to post this, but here we go:

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Whole Wheat Vegetable quiche with lettuce, tomato slices and a whole tomato on the side for lunch (I woke up by noon… I know, LATE!)

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I ate… ta-da-da-da… FRO-YO! Medium-sized, with THREE toppings! It had papaya slices, mango slices and pineapple slices. It was 0%fat and 0%sugar, but still… I was a bit proud for not having the small one without any toppings :)

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Dinner was two slices of whole wheat bread, two slices of turkey blanquet and a slice of ricotta cheese. Sandwiched.

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… plus a small slice of quiche and a pear. A pretty juicy one, by the way!

I swear I wanted to have a snack. But I feel so full… And guily for eating so much courses for dinner… Tomorrow´s a new day. And it will be better, I swear.

See you guys tomorrow, loves!

Thanks for the always-sweet comments :)

XOXO,

G.

terça-feira, 27 de julho de 2010

Self-Analysis

Fi is right.

I should be trying to understand my own acts and reactions.

WHY do I struggle to eat?

WHY do I find eating such a hard task?

I mean… eating is a natural thing. Every human does it.

In order to live, we have to eat. We need to feed ourselves. That´s not rocket science! That´s common sense.

Let´s face it. If somebody came into my room right now, out of nowhere, with a Brownie Burguer (my favourite dessert pre-ED – a layer of vanilla ice-cream sandwiched between two brownies with chocolate sauce and cashew nuts on top) on a plate, I´m pretty sure I´d say “no, thank you” with an embarrassed smile.

WHY, FOR GOD´S SAKE?! WHY WOULD I SAY NO?!

Like anyone recovering from an ED, I have a list of fear foods. Things like:

-Pizza

-Sweets (of any kind – this includes muffins, cakes, cookies, ice-creams, milkshakes…)

-Cheeseburguers

-French Fries

-Fast Food in general

-Candy (chew-gum, lollipop, literally ANYTHING)

And the list goes on…

Now… that´s what I need to find out. Why can everybody else eat those things, but me?

Gosh. I need to try eating a fear food. Soon.

To kick ED´s ass. That´s all I need right now.

Some MOTIVATION.

………………………………………………………………………………………

So far, I know I haven´t done much. I ate:

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A small sliced banana with ~a tbsp of rolled oats for breakfast

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A caprese salad (fresh sliced tomato, mozzarella cheese and pesto sauce)…

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With a bit of my Aunt´s cheese omelet for lunch

And up next, there´s dinner.

I´m hoping to challenge myself a bit on this one. And since we´re having one of my favourite dishes tonight… It shouldn´t be so hard.

…. Right?

Wish me luck, chickpeas!

G.

**Update**

Here´s dinner:

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Whole Wheat Quiche (made with corn, carrot, spinach and other veggies, plus ricotta and some curry powder) with lettuce, tomato slices and steamed beets and carrots

I planned on eating only that flat slice near the carrots. Then, I realize that was WAY too little, so I added two more tablespoons or so. Baby steps, right?

[I should eat something as an evening snack. Shouldn´t I?]

XOXO,G.

segunda-feira, 26 de julho de 2010

Just (B)eat It!

Hello, chickpeas!

I just got home from São Paulo (yes, I went there once again… I love that city). It wasn´t much, but I loved the idea of getting out of town for a while. And since everyone else is doing the same, I thought – why not?

Anyhow. Onto more serious subjects…

I won´t be a hypocrite. I did read all the comments you guys left me on my last post. My first reaction was anger. I was SO angry at myself. How could I let this happend… once again? Who was I trying to fool - but myself?

I probably wouldn´t have noticed anything wrong if it wasn´t for you guys. ED was taking over, and I didn´t even see that. This is what scares me the most. I feel like I have no willpower against ED. When it decides to take over… I´m just a toy in its hands.

I know what you´re thinking. “JUST EAT IT! IT´S NOT THAT HARD! JUST PUT THE DAMN FOOD IN YOUR MOUTH!”.

And what´s worst – I know you´re right. It´s as simple as that. Eating. Chewing. Swallowing.

I´m sorry for taking your time. But I need to let it out. I FEEL STUPID. THE STUPIDEST PERSON IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.

(Oh, gosh. That feels good.)

But, anyway. I just wanted to thank you all (once again) for opening my eyes. Waking me up. And, let me tell you, that wake-up call was really necessary.

Thank You, readers. Thank You, bloggers. Thank You, anonymous.

:)

The trip to São Paulo was pretty good. I did have my fair share of fun. The event my Mom was working on (Bradesco´s Walk and Run for Longevity) went great, even a few small celebrities showed up. Me and Bruna shared some good laughs.

I´ll just post some highlights of the last few days… Before, during and after my trip.

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Whole Wheat Quiche, Pasta, Chicken Sausage, Steamed Veggies (beets, carrots and chayote)

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Mango

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Cantaloupe

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Juicy Pear

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6” turkey breast sub with olives, pickles, cucumber, lettuce and mustard on the whole wheat bread with an Iced Tea on the side 

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“Pastel de Forno Integral” – whole wheat dough with Ricotta and Dried Tomato filling

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Falafel Sandwich – hummus and veggies on the side – with Iced Tea

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Hotel Breakfast – toast, turkey blanquet, fruit salad, papaya and milk+chocolate powder

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Passion Fruit Popsicle

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Buffet-Craziness: roasted veggies, chicken ravioli, gnocchi with tomato sauce, heart-of-palms slices, ginger, tabouli and grilled tilapia (the garlic bread was my sister´s)

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Plus a slice of cheese quiche.

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Banana+Raw Oats

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Plain Yogurt+granola plus a fruit salad

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Salmon Quiche with a Mushroom Salad

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Mozzarella-Eggplant with Tomato Sauce

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Zucchini Calzone with Pesto Sauce (Iced Tea on the side)

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Ginormous Turkey Breast and White Cheese sandwich with whole wheat bread

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Smoked Salmon with White Cheese and Pesto Sauce on Ciabatta Bread (that´s 1/3 of it)

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Turkey Breast and White Cheese Calzone

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HUGE salad: lettuce, turkey breast, broccoli, cauliflower, heart-of-palms, cherry tomato, gorgonzola, buffalo mozzarella and cooked beets, with a lemon-mustard-yogurt dressing and mango slices on the side

WARNING: These were only the highlights! That´s not everything I ate on the last few days – far from it!

I´ll let you guys know how it goes – but I can tell you my mind is my number #1 enemy right now. It´s hard work, for sure.

See you lovelies soon!

XOXO

G.

quinta-feira, 15 de julho de 2010

Feeling Fat

Ok..

So, I guess most of you know what I´m talking about.

Yesterday, I had a real “Fat Day”.

And, when I say real, I mean, real tough.

Allow me to explain:

I´ve been sent to my Dad´s house so I could be watched 24/7. In order to recover and to stop fighting with Mom, I didn´t complain. And I´m technically here since Saturday.

I know it´s been least then a week – but it feels like I already spent A YEAR here. Not kidding.

Anyhow. Mom assumed that, since I´m here, my Dad/Grandma/Uncle would watch my eats. But the real thing is… they don´t.

So… I tried to increase my calorie intake by myself. I thought it was working – Dad seemed to be proud. I was trying my best to keep ED-thoughts away… And I felt pretty normal. I felt good.

Until…

Well. I saw Mom while at “Grandma 2”´s house. She smilled at me, but stayed distant. I did the same.

Only, a few minutes later, she called me.

“I just wanted to tell you I´m proud of you”, she said.

“You look beautiful. More relaxed, calm… And I see glow inside your eyes. I can tell you´re eating more. Aren´t you? I could tell. Oh, gosh. I can´t wait until this is all over.”

Strike One.

I felt weird. Happy, but sad at the same time. Just… confused.

When I got back at Dad´s house, though…

It happend.

Strike Two.

I was at Grandma´s bathroom (Grandma 1, this time), brushing my teeth (the other bathroom was beeing cleaned). When I was finished, I looked down for some reason. That´s how I found it.

My Grandma´s scale, super high-tech and classy. It called me. I started thinking twice, but my feet were faster. I had already stepped in.

I looked down, one more time.

“HOLY. CRAP.” were my exact thoughts.

I didn´t care about the fact that I was wearing heavy jeans, a sweater and a coat plus my cellphone in my back pocket. I just felt… gigantic. Enormous. Bad… Fat.

The number on the scale should have pleased me – one step closer to recovery, and one step closer to England! – but it didn´t. At least, not the part of my mind that took me over at that moment – ED.

A million things crossed my mind:

- I shouldn´t have eaten that second plate of cauliflower.

- I shouldn´t have drank that Light Zero-Calorie Iced Tea.

- I should have eaten less at breakfast.

- Why did I eat so much strogonoff? It´s not even low-cal!

- WHAT´S WRONG WITH ME?!

- and more…

But you got the idea. I felt like crap.

Through the rest of the day, I only ate dinner. At 7:40pm, when Dad left the house.

Nobody was watching me.

I just feel so stupid right now!

Why am I trying to LOOSE weight?!

Mom wants me to GAIN 14 POUNDS!

What the heck am I doing?

I just wonder why… Why is it so hard.

I´ll let you see what I´ve been eating. And letting you guys be the judge.

FRIDAY

After-Party Snack

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1/3 non-fat yogurt with cinnamon and a few mango slices on the side

SATURDAY

Breakfast

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YMIAJ – 3/4 container of non-fat yogurt, 1/2 crumbled granola bar and crunchy PB leftovers

Lunch

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Cooked cassava, steamed frozen veggies (broccoli, carrots and cauliflower), grilled chicken, a tbsp of toasted manioc flour (brazilian´s farofa), a scoop of black beans and Light Iced Tea on the side

Dinner

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Steamed frozen veggies, cooked cassava, grilled chicken (plus ~tbsp of ketchup)

SUNDAY

Breakfast

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A slice of whole wheat bread with a tbsp of cottage cheese, with 1/2 glass of non-fat milk and ~tbsp of chocolate powder

Snack

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An apple

Lunch

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~3 tbsp of white rice and chicken strogonoff, with sliced heart-of-palms and Light Iced Tea on the

“Dinner”

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“Corn on the cob” while at June´s Party

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A mango

MONDAY

Breakfast

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A pear and a slice of honeydew melon

Lunch

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Steamed frozen veggies, cooked cassava, sliced heart-of-palms, chicken strogonoff, ~2 tbsp of white rice and a side of Light Iced Tea

Dinner

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Steamed frozen veggies, heart-of-palms, chicken strogonoff and half a sweet potato

TUESDAY

Breakfast

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A pear

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Coffee with non-fat milk, whole wheat mini-baguette with ~tsp of requeijão (brazilian cheese spread)

Lunch (at a japanese/chinese restaurant)

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Baked kabocha, steamed japanese veggies, broccoli and cauliflower, bean salad, sliced cucumber, eggplant, mini-soy burguer, plus…

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Salmon sushi, White Fish sushi, Sweet Potato sushi, Shiitake sushi and Massago roll-piece.

Dinner

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Slice of cottage cheese+ricotta+heart-of-palms+spinach whole wheat flour quiche (phew!), steamed cauliflower, cherry tomatoes and sliced heart-of-palms…

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And I came back for more cauliflower (it´s the first time I´ve had seconds in YEARS, YAY!). Ate everything with a side of Light Iced Tea

WEDNESDAY

Breakfast

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Apple, mango slices

Lunch

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Chicken strogonoff leftovers, mashed pumpkin, whole wheat quiche, steamed cauliflower

Dinner

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Grilled chicken, mashed pumpkin, steamed cauliflower

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… With a glass of Light Iced Tea on the side

THURSDAY

Breakfast

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Mango slices, Honeydew melon slice

Lunch

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Steamed cauliflower, ~2tbsp of white rice, 1/2 scoop of black beans, a tbsp of mashed pumpkin, cooked cassava,  slice of spinach frittata and grilled chicken

Dinner

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Steamed cauliflower, cooked cassava, whole wheat quiche, slice of spinach frittata…

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With a glass of Light Iced Tea on the side.

Hm… I guess that´s it.

Oh, and I snapped a few pics while having fun with Lelê…

During my brief “carefree” phase.

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(Too much zoom – oops!)

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Gotta love my little sister!

But don´t worry, lovies.

I´m not giving up.

:)

I´ll be back soon, ok?

See y´all!

XOXO

G.