domingo, 27 de junho de 2010

This Are My Confessions

(If you feel like reading a not-so-positive post/note will affect your day in a bad way, please don´t read the rest. Keeping the good memories is important, too.)

Hello, guys.

Yet again, it´s been a while.

Yes - I´ve been crazy busy with stuff from school. Vacation starts in two weeks, but the last one will be 100% tests. Which means I have a two crazy busy weeks ahead until I´m free. Not so exciting, oops.

But, anyhow. I felt like I needed to give you guys some explanation. So many things have happend this week…

Some good ones. But mostly bad things :/

Let´s see:

- I had real ugly fights with Mom. She cried, I cried, we both cried… a lot. Have I told you how much I hate arguing with her? She´s most probably the best Mom in the world – everybody in school “wants my Mom”. Seriously - she´s the. sweetest. Mom. ever.

- I slipped.

Yes, sir. Remember the post I´ve written back on June 7th? All forgotten and ignored. Yet again.

That´s why I didn´t post for so many days. Or why I blogged only about the good points. Because the bad ones were, well… really, really bad.

I went to therapy on Thursday and to a homeopathy doctor on Friday. Both of them were hard… I cried tons. Quietly, but I did. And I hate crying in front of people.

Oh, and the possibilities of me entering an IP program during vacation are high. I mean, really high.

To make a long story short – my Mom´s sick of “watching me die”. Kill myself. Suicide. Whatever works.

And now, she´s arguing with Dad about what should they do with me. Nobody wants to stay with me. Nobody wants to have me around. And no, I´m not kidding. They said that to me, word by word.

How do I feel about all that?

I guess I don´t know. It´s weird. I feel like life´s passing by and I´m only watching it from the outside. I´ve been truly distant on the last few days.

Ugh, and I just feel so guilty. I should´ve taken care of myself. Now everyone is mad at me, including myself. Grrrrrrrr!

I´m sorry if I´m beeing too negative… But I promise I´ll end it on a brighter note.

First – some nice pics:

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A soy burguer.

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Chicken quiche, tomatoes, sweet potato

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The best pear I´ve ever eaten

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Sautéed spinach, steamed cauliflower, grilled chicken, tomato slices and a baked sweet potato

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Vegetable-and-tofu-filled wrap (sans le wrap)

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Shrimp, fish and veggie stir-fry

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Leek quiche, mixed salad (lettuce, broccoli, carrot, cauliflower, heart-of-palms and mango)

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Yogurt+crumbled granola bar, papaya slice

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Ricotta and carrot sandwich

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Apple+PB

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Heart-of-palms, cherry tomatoes, australian bread, brie, gorgonzola and gouda cheese slices

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Ricotta and turkey breast sandwich

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Fruit salad (with papaya, mango and pineapple)

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Vegan Quibe, steamed veggies and salad (at a vegetarian place)

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Crazy delicious salad (lettuce, beets, carrots, heart-of-palms, gorgonzola and buffalo mozzarella slices, broccoli, cauliflower, olives, turkey breast slices, cherry tomatoes, garbanzo beans…)

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And – WOW! Pineapple and mango slices on the side. Holy. Freaking. YUM.

I´m so sorry guys, but… the last few days have been pretty exhausting. I skipped some meals, threw some food away… And I know that´s not right.

I feel that, from now on, my posts will be 100% text. Mom doesn´t want me to take anymore pics of my eats, and I think she´s kind of right. For some people (like me), it may turn into an obsession. I wouldn´t eat anything I hadn´t pictured at first hand. So, since I´m trying to eliminate all disordered behaviours from my life… I should really try not taking food pictures on a regular base.

So..yeah. I guess I´ve written a lot, already. Hehe.

I´ll be back soon, I promise!

Thank you all for reading and supporting. You´re the best, guys :)

XOXO

G.

quarta-feira, 16 de junho de 2010

Everything But Easy

Good evening, lovies!

Wow – how I´ve missed you. I kept on commenting and reading your posts as always, but… It isn´t the same thing. Right?

Anyway. I know you guys probably want to hear some good news…

And there are some. A few. Actually, during this week I´ve been away, I…

- ate my first real yogurt mess (with an ENTIRE container of yogurt, 1 tbsp of PB and 1/2 a granola bar – I can´t believe I had never tried this DELICIOUSNESS before!)

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- discovered my new favourite fruit

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(I never thought mangos could taste so good!)

- went to Subway!

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(Ordered a caprese sandwich without the tomatoes, plus pickles, cucumber and lettuce… Tasted good!)

- ate salmon hand-rolls…

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Salmon+nori = happy tummy :)

- … and Fro-Yo! Twice!

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(FYI – I´m a “Gabriela”, not a “Gabriella”. C´mon, it´s not a complicated name… Haha.)

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Tried the tart flavour with peach, pineapple and mango. Major fail! The mango slices were dry, and I didn´t care about the peach slices… I was having them for the first time! Ate all the yogurt+pineapple, though. Hehe.)

- threw a surprise party for one of my best friends

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She had to throw the rest of her cake away…

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After getting DIRTY!

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Yuum… It tastes good, guys!”

- found out me and Mom did have something in common, after all

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Our love for papaya!

- and, obviously, learned a lot.

I tried to spend more time with my friends, and stress less about school and homework. Tried to make peace with my sister, to treat my grandmother better. To keep it short and sweet with Dad. To give love to the ones who truly deserve it:

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This young lady definetely does.

However, I must be honest with you all. Recovery isn´t easy. At all. I´ve been struggling daily, fighting against my own self. And, I know it sounds weird, but I do loose a few battles. My main challenge right now is not to give up. I can be healthy-minded and carefree. I can win this war. I do deserve better nourishment, and my body does deserve adequated fuel.

I know everything´s up to me. And I´m determinated to fight.

Thank you all for the amazing comments and the supportive words. It makes my day to read those – please, keep doing it! Haha.

Wish you all an incredible “end-of-the-week”. I do have some exciting things planned for the weekend, so… Let´s hope Friday comes fast!

Love you all – tons.

XOXO

G.

segunda-feira, 7 de junho de 2010

Obssessed

Seriously – who am I trying to fool?

I´ve heard it. Many, many times. From my mother, my father, my friends and family. From blog-friends, blog-writers, blog-readers. Even anonymous. Will I ever wake up?!

I just feel so stupid. I mean, while I´m at school or doing something else – watching life passing by – I try to forget and avoid this kind of subject. In my head, everything´s just so normal. If I´m eating out, I must choose something to please who I´m eating with. When I´m back home, all I have to do is restrict. Make meals smaller. Which means a plate that´s already on the smaller side…

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Turns into this:

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And it keeps getting smaller. It´s a vicious cycle – it´s neverending, and it´s addicting. I swear it takes me no more then a few secong to cut a baked sweet potato on half and deciding to leave the bigger amount on the fridge. It´s like playing hide-and-seek – only, this time, all by myself.

Have you ever noticed I have a small “quiche-problem”? It´s not passion. It´s an addiction that has became a habit. Quiches paired with salads have became my ultimate comfort food – it tastes good, and I can tell others I´m not avoiding carbs. But it seems that, each day, the size of my quiche slice gets smaller. And the side salad, lighter. The “less-fatening”, the better.

And all of that was normal. In my world, it all revolves around school. The person I´ll be in the future, brazilian´s “vestibular” (something like the SATs, only you have to do them to get into a good college), and all kinds of studies. And, don´t ask me why – but I have became obssessed with school, too. Nobody talks about chemistry, physics, history or even maths more then me. I kid, I complain – but I just can´t stop talking about it. Again - it´s an addiction. It´s not healthy at all.

The most frustrating thing about this is that I knew something was wrong. That doing what I was doing – eating what I was eating – was not normal. But I kept ignoring, I kept avoiding. Until… well, tonight.

This is a wake up call. Not like the others I may have had in the past – those were more like kicks and punches on my face. But what was the point? Recovery is something you have to do for yourself, by yourself. Yes, family members and even medical help can be great if you have it/them, but you must WANT to get better. I´m sorry about the creepy allusion, but it´s like going to the bathroom – nobody can do it in your place.

I´m sorry, guys. I really am. For taking your time, making you worry… You´ve been the best friends (blog-friends, whatever) ever. Let me see if I can name a few lovies here:

-Gabriela (my older blonde twin, haha), from Une Vie Saine. I don´t think I´ll ever be able to thank you enough. You helped me through my darkest moments, and meeting you was definetely one of my best memories from my trip to NY. I love you tons, girlie!

-Amanda, from Seek. I have never heard of a sweeter girl. She´s been trying to convince me to get better for MONTHS now, because, for some mysterious reason, she cares about me. While reading her comments, I feel like beeing hugged. It feels warm, and good. Again – I don´t think I´ll be ever able to thank you enough. I really wish I could meet you in person – I already love you, girl!

-Amy, from Please Don´t Eat Me. She has been such a sweetheart! We discovered each other´s blog a little while ago, and I was amazed by her story. I never guessed she would later contact me, and start exchanging thoughts and stories! We even found a few similarities and fun facts about each other. I just love talking to her – and it´s so amazing that, somehow, she always writes me back! Love you, lady!

-Jessica, from A Student Kitchen. I´ve read her blog for a long time, but I was never brave enough to write a proper comment. Then, when I did, it was such a surprise – she wrote me back, and kept contacting and advicing me! I felt so honored – she was one of my favourite bloggers, and as she lived (and still does, duh) in England, I felt that “untoucheable, unreacheable” feeling. It was just wonderful when I found out she was as kind and sweet as I thought – maybe even more. I truly want to meet you someday – you already hold a special place in my heart, girlie!

-Christina, from Christina Butter and Ameena, from Fancy That, Fancy This. They´re both just such sucessful bloggers, and I´d never dream of them writing me back. And not just “only because” – they did have real comments to do and advices to give me. I feel so blessed for receiving feeback from such inspirational characters and amazing women. Thank you so much, ladies!

I beg your pardon, but I still have chemistry test tomorrow (and a physics one the next day…), so I won´t be able to thank every single one of you who helped me so much during all this time. Just a quick note: thanks Shannon, from Tropical Eats, Katie from Lil Veggie Patch, Scott, from Scott:recovered and Katie, from Faith Food & Fitness.I´m so thankful and I love you all, too!

And last but not least, I´d like to thank the anonymous commenters. I am lucky enough to say I have never received a bad comment in my life – you know, the ones on the mean side, to make you feel like crap. So, again - you´re awesome, guys!

These will be the “before” eats - let´s hope the “after” eats to be a bit more… real.

“Breakfasts”

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[and yes – those are PB teaspoons]

(Unfinished) “Lunches”

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with

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“Dinners”

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[minus the bread, obviously]

Anyhow… I´m sure it´ll be slow. But I think I´m determinated to make it work, this time. I want to do this – not only for myself, but for everyone around me. I know they care about me, and that´s why they keep fighting and arguing with me. Actually, not me – my ED. And I love them like crazy for even trying.

Wish you all a wonderful week, people. Life´s good, after all!

XOXO

G.

sexta-feira, 4 de junho de 2010

TGIH

Good morning, everyone!   

Thank God It´s Holiday! Hahaha.

I´m so sorry I left so quickly on Tuesday. I was really late for my band´s meeting! Ooopsie.

Anyhow – I just feel I need to share with you all what I´ve been doing these last few days :)

But let´s rewind for a bit:

MONDAY

Breakfast

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School Snack

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In a smaller size.

Lunch

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Leek quiche, caprese tower, eggplant salad

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Fresh OJ

Snack

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While at the “oftamologic ER” – fruit salad. Ate about 1/8 of it, I was feeling sick :/

Dinner

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Veggie Quibe, slice of spinach quiche, steamed cauliflower, carrot and chayote

TUESDAY

Breakfast

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My favourite breakfast is back!

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A sliced apple+tbsp of PB

School Snack

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Apple.

Lunch

I had lunch with Grandpa! It was so fun to see him – I really do love having him around. We spent a few minutes discussing the sulphur episode, and he said I should go see a professional doctor (just to make sure there´s nothing wrong with my eye). He even bought the medicines I needed. Isn´t he the best?

He even chose a chinese/japanese buffet-style restaurant, because he knows I like it :)

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We started off with a miso soup. Tasted amazing, but I was able to eat only 1/3 – it got cold quickly!

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Next up, my plate from the chinese buffet. I decided on getting a little sample of each thing. The spread: steamed veggies, soy-glazed eggplant, sliced zucchini, nori, broccoli frittata, tofu square, soybean salad and sweet potato noodles. Fun, huh?

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Last, but not least – my sushi sample plate! 1 piece of salmon, cucumber and kani roll, a salmon sushi piece, a japanese-veggie sushi piece, a piece of cucumber and tobiko roll, ginger and wasabi. Delish :)

Dinner

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A slice of spinach quiche, broccoli quiche and veggie quibe with steamed veggies and ginger slices.

WEDNESDAY

Breakfast

I woke up late! Mom made me a PB sammie and an apple, but I only had time for the fruit:

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School Snack

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I had half of the sandwich Mom made me – a slice of 7-grain bread with PB (unmeasured)

Lunch

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Spinach quiche, chickpeas and salmon salad

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With, of course, a glass of OJ on the side.

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Done and done.

Dinner

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1 scoop of pumpkin and kale soup to keep me warm…

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(In a Starbuck´s NY Mug!)

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… plus a slice of spinach quiche, veggie kibe and steamed cauliflower and beet…

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And 1/2 a baked sweet potato! I started eating before I could snap a pic ;)

THURSDAY

Breakfast

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Apple+PB! What else? :)

Lunch

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Half a baked sweet potato, steamed cauliflower and beet, veggie quibe and spinach quiche.

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Plus unfinished 2 tbsp of black beans :/

Dinner

Step-by-step:

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I managed to eat about 2/3 of the bread, with ~1 1/2 tbsp of hummus. I have to say this: YUM!

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And I ate a fresh and juicy mango as dessert. It tasted lovely!

FRIDAY

Breakfast

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As usual :)

Lunch

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Half a baked sweet potato, tomato slices and ~3 tbsp of strogonoff (an italian dish made with meat)

So far, so good! As you may have noticed, I didn´t go to school these past days - we´re in a middle of a brazilian holiday called “Corpus Christi”. YAY!

Too bad I have a Physics and a Chemistry test next week. I´m studying like crazy!

Wish me luck, guys!

Oh – and I went to the movies last night with my Mom and my sister to see “Sex and the City 2”. Despite the bad reviews, I really liked it! Me and Mom laughed a lot together. It was definetely fun :)

Wish you all a lovely weekend!

XOXO

G.