domingo, 26 de dezembro de 2010

So Sick

Please don’t worry guys!

I’m not really sick. I mean, I am, but not health-wise.

Allow me to explain: I’m sick of these STUPID jokes.

Everytime Mom, Lelê, Bruna and I are together, she (Mom) says: “Let’s see who’s the highest one here!”.


Let’s just say my Mom isn’t so tall. She’s maybe 5’3 1/2. So me and my sister Bruna were always not-so-tall/average (Lelê is SO TALL for her age. 4’0 for a 5 year-old girl?!).

The thing is: since I started the yo-yo diet thing (ED-related), I haven’t grown much. Which means that my sister, 1 year and 10 months younger then me, is my height (maybe a liiitle bit taller).

She’s skinnier then me. She’s always been skinnier then me. We’ll never weight the same, we’ll never have the same bodies.

But now that she’s my height, “comparasions are easily done”. You know what I mean?

Now, she has grown normally for all her life. I haven’t. I actually haven’t seen a doctor in a long time, so I don’t even know if I’ll grow any more inches.

But this “who’s the tallest” thing bothers me so much. It’s like always remembering me how anorexia made me short.

And she thinks I never knew that?! She thinks it never bothers me that I could’ve grown much more? Have a regular period? Does she think I never torture myself for all this things? That I never feel guily?!

It’s enough, for crying out loud. I’ve been eating so much more lately. Even stepfather said I was much more healthy. So WHY does she have to keep remembering me that I’m SHORT? It’s tough enough to LIVE WITH IT! Gosh, doesn’t she know it hurts me?

Here’s what happend: Mom asked me to go the grocery store with her. I said ok. Then, all of a sudden, everyone else wanted to go, too. Ok. Even though I didn’t really feel like going (the only reason I was going at first was because Mom did not want to go on her own), I decided to go anyway. So, we were all waiting for the elevator, when Mom asked “let’s line up according to our heights”.

Ok, it may not seem much, but it was enough to piss me off. I screamed back, without a second though: “SHUT UP! Just… SHUT UP!”

And I started crying. I went right back home, and closed the door behind me. I cried for a long time. I went to the living room to take the phone and call her – to tell how much she had hurted me.

But then stepfather kinda made me calm down. He said he understood. And that what she said was really wrong. He even added: “You know, if you think about it, they’re kind of bullying you”.

I know what I did was wrong. I didn’t plan on saying “shut up” to my Mom, by any means. But I was SO pissed, SO sick of all these retarted jokes, I exploded. If you’re reading this (but I’m sure you’re not, since you went to the grocery store)… Sorry, Mom. But please, just stop! It’s so not funny anymore.

Ok, so now I stopped crying. Sorry, everyone. I didn’t want this to be such a downer post… Specially after such a wonderful day (aka Christmas).

By the way – I won the new iPod Touch! And I’m really excited about it.

Ok, so I better shed my tears and go get something to eat. My belly’s growling!

Love you all. Thanks for reading this.



2 comentários:

  1. I'm so sorry you have to deal with things like that. So often the ones who love us hurt us without even realizing it! I think its wonderful that you can vent it out and not keep in how you feel. And a good hard cry does wonders for me, so I hope it's therapeutic for you too! Love you! xoxo

  2. I am so sorry that your mother said those things :( But I am really proud of how you handled it! I know it seems bad to yell and scream, but the truth is it is a way to show your emotions that is a lot healthier than isolating yourself like many of us do when we have an ED. Look at the positive, you expressed your upset, and now your mom knows not to say that any more :)

    Take care,