sábado, 27 de novembro de 2010

Suddenly Everything Has Changed

Well… maybe not so suddenly.

Hey, guys!

Wow… It’s been a while since I last wrote here. I feel like a brand new person while typing this, seriously! Everything’s so… new.

Let’s see what exactly has changed…

- I’m on vacation! Test week is over, and the results are out – I PASSED (unfortunately, a bunch of friends of mine didn’t... so they’re still going to school. meh)!

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- I gained. Hapiness, friends, “carefree-ness”, health, WEIGHT. I don’t know exactly how much, but the last time I checked I had gained 4kg (about 8 pounds, which is A LOT). But I’m having a few troubles with this – more on that later.

- I went to parties. Sleepovers. I hung out with a bunch of friends. I laughed. And, even though I’d  usually eat either a salad or nothing, I’d enjoy myself. I even ordered a grilled cheese while at The Outback once!

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- I’ve been more sociable. With family, friends, acquaintances… I’ve been more relaxed too.

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Allow me to explain.

The last two months have been really… life-changing. I decided that it was already time to take recovery more seriously, and I started eating. Obviously, in my mind, I was eating lika a horse. But, the thing is…

Even though I started gaining weight, I gained weight because I started eating more of the foods I was used to eat. Since I stopped calorie-counting, it’s been much easier to do so. But eating a wider variety of foods? Hmm… Not so much.

So picture really big sweet potatoes (which kinda reminds me of Tat – “Go big or go home”, anyone?), ridiculous amounts of black beans and egg farofa (a typical brazilian dish, which contains scrambled eggs and flour… mandioca/tapioca flour), unmeasured (but large) amounts of Fiber One cereal over Non-Fat Yogurts for breakfast, maybe some low-cal bread with some kind of blue cheese (which I learned I truly love), and fruits galore. Oh, and veggies too. I truly enjoy eating all kinds of veggies – I have to “thank” ED for that (I mean, for making me discover the joy of eating vegetables regularly).

Anyway. What I truly mean is – when I stop and think about it, I realize I still have tons of “fear foods”. I still have a long way to go. But then I remember how much weight I gained.

**WARING: This might be triggering**

Then I feel gross. How can I gain so much after eating only “healthy food”? What the hell is wrong with me?! I’ll never be able to eat a piece of chocolate, or any kind of candy, pasta, or rice… If I’m already looking this fat now, how could I ever expect to eat “unhealthy” food? I’m SUCH a pig! I can never stop eating. I feel like I’m bingeing ALL DAY LONG! What happend to that tiny, skinny and behaved girl?!

Ok. That was ED taking over. But I have to admit that I often feel uncomfortable about my weight gain. I now that it’s supposed to be normal, but all that “new skin” (fat) in my tummy is really scaring the hell out of me. My bigger arms? My wider hips? My “healthy and fatty” things? My still non-existent chest?

Ouch. The whole “new body” concept is truly bugging me. It’s really annoying.

I need some advice. Anyone willing to share some wisdom and wise words? Thanks.

And no… I didn’t eat any of that candy. I mean… does that “Apple Jacks” cereal count? How about that peanut butter jar? If it does… Then I did :)

But you understood. I still don’t have the… strenght. To challenge myself so much so fast. But I’m hoping I will… someday.

For now… I decided to go back to the gym. Maybe if I start exercising regularly again, I might feel better. Physically and mentally. And – who knows? – maybe even meet new people :)

I wanted to slowly get back to cardio (I tend to exaggerate when I see exactly how many calories I’m burning, how fast I’m running.. you know the drill), but invest on weight-lifting. I want to get my muscles tonned, not loose weight, anyway.

How do you feel about exercising during recovery? I really wanted to know your opinion – to get into the gym again, I must do a body-check. Which means I’ll now my weight, my body fat, and all kinds of measurements. I’m not quite sure that that’s what I need right now… I fear that I might be too scared of the number. I can’t afford to loose my determination to gain weight. It’s already… little.

I guess I’ll see you guys soon. Oh, and Happy Late-Thanksgiving (and Black Friday… and weekend) to all my fellow americans! And to all my other readers – wish you the most amazing Saturday :)

XOXO,

G.

22 comentários:

  1. i understand exactly what yo mean about still having all those fear foods and feeling like you're binging on healthy foods. i feel the EXACT same way most of the time. but i've slowly started forcing myself to eat fear foods, usually by taking them in small portions at first and then slowly making them a regular, non-scary part of my diet.

    like eggs! i started eating eggs again by having one hard boiled egg at breakfast one day, then a couple more a week later, and then after that i was fine with eggs. and full-fat cheese! i got a pack of gouda cheese in single serve slices so that it wasn't so terrifying; i'd just stick a slice on a sandwich and that was that. now i'm not so scared of cheese and buy full fat regularly.

    it seems scary but trust me, it's worth it. if i didn't force myself (slowly) out of my comfort zone, i wouldn't be able to eat chocolate or ice cream or peanut butter or animal crackers or anything not totally "healthy" and i would be very very sad cuz i love all those things.

    as to exercise...i'd talk to a doctor to make sure you're physically healthy enough for exercise and have him or her help you come up with a plan as to how much you should be doing. i'd say it's okay as long as it doesn't trigger you and you don't start going overboard or backsliding. be careful, ed's sneaky like that!

    love you to the moon xxoo

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  2. I am so happy you managed to eat more. I can completely understand what you mean. I have been eating more too lately. Healthy food and I am gaining weight, I feel gross, fat and sometimes I just want to give up and stay in the comfortable Ed. I think we should try not to do too many big stepa at one time, maybe now we have to eat just healthy food and then, when our mind too will be more in the recovery thought we can try to add some less halthy things. I don't know, it's just what I have been thinking.
    I think that exercising is good even during recovery, the important thing is not getting too obsessed with it. Therefore I don't like the gym, because I feel like I have to do always more than the others and I feel challenge in the air. I prefer go on my bike alone or with someone I love not to feel obliged to do more than someone.
    I hope you will stay strong and go ahead on this road of recovery.
    X
    Juliette

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  3. i don't know if this is even helpful, but something that helped me with my eating disorder was the realization that food is not a friend, it's not an enemy, it's not a love or a hate, it's just food. it's a small part of this life that i love, and once i realized that i could live in freedom with it it changed everything.

    hang in there girl, you're absolutely stunning, not because of what you look like (although you are physically beautiful) but because you have an incredible soul. i'll be praying for you :)

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  4. First off, I am SO proud of you for gaining weight and you are GORGEOUS. Secondly, I think exercise is a great idea but be careful! It is SO easy to abuse it and you have to start doing it for the right reasons, NOT because you want to lose weight or stop gaining much needed weight.

    As for eating the same foods all the time, maybe start small and slowly introduce one new food a day?

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  5. Hey!
    Thanks for commenting on my blog. I'm happy you were able to relate.

    I also experience the those nagging thoughts ("How come I can gain by eating healthy?" and "If I start eating whatever I want my weight will balloon up.")
    But I discovered something. Once you start including some new foods in your diet you will realize that you can eat less of them and feel satiated. For example for a long time I was terrified of eating any kind of fat. But now that I eat more fatty things in my diet I realized that they actually keep me full longer and I need to eat less then when I don't. Basically your body "evens out" the energy consumption as long as you keep it in moderation. So all those fears ED throws at you simply aren't true.

    I agree with the above comments about exercise. It can make you feel great, but it's easy to get addicted too. So be careful that you find the right balance.

    Take care!

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  6. I have had disordered eating in the past, but never a true eating disorder, so it's hard for me to comment, but I have found for myself that the energy and overall well feeling I get from properly nourishing myself with delicious foods is something I wouldn't trade for the world! I am also finding a good balance in exercise through yoga and walking... I used to abuse my body at the gym to the point I was injuring my joints! O.o

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  7. I understand completely about the new skin. I have also gained about 10 pounds and it is so hard sometimes but I know I'll get through it.

    As far as avoiding buffets-I have a problem with binge eating and buffets make me extremely anxious which tends to trigger the binging. When I get nervous or anxious are my biggest triggers.

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  8. It really sounds like you've changed, for the better! I'm really proud of you(: Eating more is so scary but you did it anyway. I wish I could do that.

    Exercising during recovery.. hmm.. I'm not sure. I would check your bmi first, if it's still too low then probably not. One time I was eating more, and I incorperated exercise I overdid it. A lot. Then I started eating less, and then I got too weak to even exercise.

    But maybe some light or fun exercise would work? Like bike riding, hula hooping, stuff like that. Stuff that you like that doesn't even feel like exercise.

    Anyway, I'm so glad to hear you're doing better(:
    Have a great day!
    -Danielle

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  9. it sounds like you have had a lot of positive things happening in your life, that's wonderful :) and deciding to get serious about recovering is exciting as well. in my experience with recovery, it was hard knowing i was gaining weight. but i just dealt with it. i avoided all scales at all costs. i stopped counting calories. i didn't even exercise, and it worked for me because i wasn't obsessing about it over time. the fears and the worries and the fat feelings started to go away. i started eating healthier and paying attention to my body. i still don't know how much i weigh but i'm happy with my body now, for the most part ;D so i say go for it, stay strong. remember you might come across some obstacles, but it's nothing you can't handle :) good luck with everything! <3

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  10. I am so glad to hear from you Gabriella!!!

    I felt the exact same way with my weight gain when I refused to eat nothing but healthy food. I think that it is super important to introduce those fear foods in order to make recovery a reality. Believe me, I felt EXACTLY the same, that if I gained this weight on healthy food, I wouldn't have to change my eating habits and eat what I considered "unhealthy" But that is ED talking, and you don't want ED to keep you from enjoying all off those foods forever!

    And as for exercise... I really don't know. I think it is SUPER easy to become addicted to it, and make it another ED behavior :/ I think I would just talk to your treatment team about it, because they know best. Sorry, I know that advice sucks, but it's all I've got :/

    You can do this Gabriella :)

    Praying for you,

    Scott

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  11. I'm sorry to hear about your struggles beautiful. Just remember that the most wonderful thing about food is to share it, make memories with it and enjoy it! No one food will make you fat or ruin your life, it's all there for you to enjoy and making you healthy and giving you life. Life to create a future with, fall in love with, become successful with. Sending you lots of love and strength.

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  12. An honest congratulations on recognizing the difference between your "eating disorder voice" and REAL voice. Plus, it sounds like you are shining with happiness and life around your friends... That is what is really beautiful! Keep it up, girl.

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  13. I'm am so happy to see you post again and to hear that you're gaining!! that is such great news!

    Just wanted to give my take on going back to exercise: keep it low and slow. I wouldn't go back to the "gym" just yet, but start with some short walks and maybe a little bit of yoga. that would be the best for your body right now as it's still adjusting to you making it so much better!

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  14. Love how positive you are and how you are growing as a person!! Sounds like you are doing terrific!
    To answer your question on my blog I dont think you can substitute peanut butter for the flour because it needs SOME kind of flour. Feel free to use white or whole wheat if youd like, I know peanut flour can be difficult to find!!

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  15. I love the picture of you guys drinking straight from the fresh coconuts.

    I visited Philippines a few years ago and that how they serve coconut juice to you.

    It's my first time commenting (I think)...take it one day at a time and keep up the great spirit you have.

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  16. It helps me to remember that I am not gaining weight because I am taking in more calories than my body needs. (thats what happens when other people gain weight)

    We are gaining weight because we were NOT giving ourt bodies enough of what it needed before. We are not "over-consuming" simply consuming more and our bodies are becoming healthy.

    You just have to keep thinking these thoughts even though the ED ones are just as loud. It helps a lot.

    ~Missy

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  17. okay....I think exercise during recovery....well I don't know. It's probably alright as long as you MAKE SURE YOU REPLACE THE CALORIES YOU BURN. If you do that, you shouldn't lose weight-weigh yourself as a "self checkup" once a week--no more though. can be triggering--just to make sure you're not losing. If you find you are, stop working out until you find a professional to consult. Glad you are doing better girl. :)

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  18. I just wanted to say that you're on the right track. Think of how that healthy food is fueling your body -- it's like taking delicious medicine that makes your body so much happier and healthier.

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  19. Gabriela, I am very glad you have gained weight, as I have been worried about you. And I am glad you're eating more, and stopped calorie-counting. That is AWESOME!

    But remember that recovery is not just about gaining weight. Gaining weight is really just the OUTCOME of recovery. The more important part is the process of it, which I'm sorry to say, you really need to work harder on that.

    This feeling of needing to only eat healthy foods..it's not going to work. You're still depriving yourself, and your body and mind knows it, even if you might eat "enough calories." You need to branch out. You need to becoming "normal." Otherwise, you're just setting yourself up for another disorder, or a relapse...

    As for the discomfort with weight gain, that is normal. But it will fade away in time as you come to be more comfortable in your own skin, and start to realize (with proper feeding) that your new, healthy body is SO much better than an emaciated one.

    Also, exercise: you're not ready yet. Until the day that you feel like you really WANT it, instead of feeling like you NEED it, I don't think exercising would be good for you. It can trigger you, make you want to do more and more cardio, eat a bit less, etc. It is just deterrent to your recovery right now.

    Best of luck, Gabriela. I know you're a strong, amazing girl, and you can do it.

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  20. Great to hear you are doing better, this is not an easy battle, but you are taking control of it. If I were you I would take one thing at a time, focus on eating more and being okay with it. Just take one day at a time. As far as exercise, I think it is a healthy thing but you need to be doing it for the right reasons. It might be better for you to take a walk or jog around your neighborhood to get a little activity versus going to the gym and seeing how many calories you are burning, etc.

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  21. I certainly don't know the pain you're going through as your recover, but I do know that exercising is great for the soul and I hope it makes you feel better about yourself! I'm excited to read more about your recovery and I'm behind you all the way! I've never had good self-image and I'm constantly beating myself up about my body, but I've learned that I'm doing all that I can to exercise and eat healthy so my body will do the rest! If my body likes being at the weight I'm at right now, who am I to tell it it needs to be thinner!

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  22. I'm so glad everything is going better for you! Have a great vacation :)

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