Well… maybe not so suddenly.
Wow… It’s been a while since I last wrote here. I feel like a brand new person while typing this, seriously! Everything’s so… new.
Let’s see what exactly has changed…
- I’m on vacation! Test week is over, and the results are out – I PASSED (unfortunately, a bunch of friends of mine didn’t... so they’re still going to school. meh)!
- I gained. Hapiness, friends, “carefree-ness”, health, WEIGHT. I don’t know exactly how much, but the last time I checked I had gained 4kg (about 8 pounds, which is A LOT). But I’m having a few troubles with this – more on that later.
- I went to parties. Sleepovers. I hung out with a bunch of friends. I laughed. And, even though I’d usually eat either a salad or nothing, I’d enjoy myself. I even ordered a grilled cheese while at The Outback once!
- I’ve been more sociable. With family, friends, acquaintances… I’ve been more relaxed too.
Allow me to explain.
The last two months have been really… life-changing. I decided that it was already time to take recovery more seriously, and I started eating. Obviously, in my mind, I was eating lika a horse. But, the thing is…
Even though I started gaining weight, I gained weight because I started eating more of the foods I was used to eat. Since I stopped calorie-counting, it’s been much easier to do so. But eating a wider variety of foods? Hmm… Not so much.
So picture really big sweet potatoes (which kinda reminds me of Tat – “Go big or go home”, anyone?), ridiculous amounts of black beans and egg farofa (a typical brazilian dish, which contains scrambled eggs and flour… mandioca/tapioca flour), unmeasured (but large) amounts of Fiber One cereal over Non-Fat Yogurts for breakfast, maybe some low-cal bread with some kind of blue cheese (which I learned I truly love), and fruits galore. Oh, and veggies too. I truly enjoy eating all kinds of veggies – I have to “thank” ED for that (I mean, for making me discover the joy of eating vegetables regularly).
Anyway. What I truly mean is – when I stop and think about it, I realize I still have tons of “fear foods”. I still have a long way to go. But then I remember how much weight I gained.
**WARING: This might be triggering**
Then I feel gross. How can I gain so much after eating only “healthy food”? What the hell is wrong with me?! I’ll never be able to eat a piece of chocolate, or any kind of candy, pasta, or rice… If I’m already looking this fat now, how could I ever expect to eat “unhealthy” food? I’m SUCH a pig! I can never stop eating. I feel like I’m bingeing ALL DAY LONG! What happend to that tiny, skinny and behaved girl?!
Ok. That was ED taking over. But I have to admit that I often feel uncomfortable about my weight gain. I now that it’s supposed to be normal, but all that “new skin” (fat) in my tummy is really scaring the hell out of me. My bigger arms? My wider hips? My “healthy and fatty” things? My still non-existent chest?
Ouch. The whole “new body” concept is truly bugging me. It’s really annoying.
I need some advice. Anyone willing to share some wisdom and wise words? Thanks.
And no… I didn’t eat any of that candy. I mean… does that “Apple Jacks” cereal count? How about that peanut butter jar? If it does… Then I did :)
But you understood. I still don’t have the… strenght. To challenge myself so much so fast. But I’m hoping I will… someday.
For now… I decided to go back to the gym. Maybe if I start exercising regularly again, I might feel better. Physically and mentally. And – who knows? – maybe even meet new people :)
I wanted to slowly get back to cardio (I tend to exaggerate when I see exactly how many calories I’m burning, how fast I’m running.. you know the drill), but invest on weight-lifting. I want to get my muscles tonned, not loose weight, anyway.
How do you feel about exercising during recovery? I really wanted to know your opinion – to get into the gym again, I must do a body-check. Which means I’ll now my weight, my body fat, and all kinds of measurements. I’m not quite sure that that’s what I need right now… I fear that I might be too scared of the number. I can’t afford to loose my determination to gain weight. It’s already… little.
I guess I’ll see you guys soon. Oh, and Happy Late-Thanksgiving (and Black Friday… and weekend) to all my fellow americans! And to all my other readers – wish you the most amazing Saturday :)