quarta-feira, 13 de outubro de 2010

Priorities

Salut, mes chéries!

First, I wanted to thank you all for the amazing comments I’ve been receiving. Some of them were very encouraging, and definetely made my day(s). I’ll say it again: THANK YOU!

:)

Anyway. Things were going pretty smoothly on those last few days. I was challenging myself, facing real make-it-or-break-it fights with my own fears and demons, trying new things I was pretty sure I’d never try, even grazing a little bit…

But obviously, things had to go downhill from there.

Ok, I guess not so downhill after all. I mean… I still had the strenght to face a fear (a restaurant/bakery, to be more specific) at lunch. But, aside from that… I ate a mango for breakfast. The smallest apple on school break. Left more then half of my plate at lunch. Tried to eat some more when I got back home – half a small kiwi, 1/4 of a small strawberry (hello, grazer!) and about 3 tbsp of cottage cheese with a few green grapes and a bit of cinnamon. At dinner, half a baked sweet potato with ~2 tbsp of tuna salad and steamed veggies (chayote, kale).

I’m pretty sure that’s not a enough for a teenage girl in recovery. Not at all.

Let’s just say it’s pretty obvious that my behaviour today didn’t come out of nowhere. No – it had a reason…

Yesterday, I felt really full all day long. I’ve had yogurt mess (yogurt plus cereal) and a banana with PB for breakfast, coconut water from a real coconut about 2 hours later or so, a plate of Fettucine pasta with Roquefort (or Gorgonzola… something like that) sauce and spinach for lunch (left only a little less then a 1/2 of this! YAY!), plus a small slice of low-cal bread with tiny pieces of gorgonzola and brie cheeses and another banana with PB.

When I went to bed… I simply could not fall asleep. I felt fet. I felt horrible. I felt awful. I felt… worthless.

All I could think about was the countless different ways how I could restrict and fool my Mom throughout the day. Stupid, I know.

Then, all of a sudden, my worst fears became true. I was restricting. Again. It would happend all over again.

Only now I know that I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to be an anorexic. I don’t want to have disordered thoughts or behaviours anymore. I’m sick of this. Just… ENOUGH.

I know all I can (and should) do is picking myself up and trying again tomorrow. And again and again. But can you understand how I feel? It’s a no-win situation. When I eat, I feel guilty/mad at myself. And when I don’t, I feel like a complete failure! Like, after all the conversations with Mom, Dad and Clara, after all this time… How could I NOT eat right, you know?

Speaking of Clara… I am really concerned about how things will work out from now on. Clara is my therapist. I’ve missed our last two sessions and I’m about to miss our third one in a row, though. Mom says I should do something. We fought. Then, we come to the conclusion… well, we came to no conclusions. All we know is that I’m either taking a break (since I was the one to miss our sessions by choice – I went out with my grandfather the first time, then I fell asleep – I was FREAKING TIRED after that Chemistry Test – and missed my appointment again on the second time and now I’m meeting one of my best friends I haven’t seen in a long time tomorrow, which will lead me to my third no-show) or really doing something about it. Changing the day and the hour of our sessions. Commiting.

The thing is… I’m actually not a big fan of thereapy. I mean, I think it’s great for others and I do believe it can be a great tool on recovery for anyone else. But for me?

I have to be honest. I simply HATE sitting at that little sofa in front of a woman I don’t really know to talk about myself. I just feel weird. I hate hearing myself talk. Specially when it comes to my own life, my own problems. It’s like I’m on the spotlight… so uncomfortable.

It’s funny how I have no trouble writing about myself, typing down my feelings. But… saying it aloud?

Hmmm… Not really. Thank you very much.

Anyhow… I’d like to know your opinion. How do you feel about therapy? Do you think it can be a good idea? Do you have a therapist/have you ever had one?

I’m looking forward to hear you’re answers :)

Tomorrow’s the last school-day of the week, it’s Teacher’s Day on Friday! YAHOOO!

Hahaha. I should go. I’ll be back soon!

XOXO

G.

10 comentários:

  1. I totally understand when you say how you feel bad when you eat, but also when you restrict. I feel the same.
    But you know, the bad feelings caused by eating go away soon, but not eating only makes it all worse, and continues the suffering.
    I'm sorry therapy isn't working out for you. I would like to try it, but I think my country isn't really well equipped with therapists for eds, and honestly, I don't have time for it.

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  2. Until you get to a more stable point in recovery, you will constantly be feeling as if what you're doing is wrong. If you eat ED makes you feel bad, if you don't eat then YOU make yourself feel bad. It's like a no win situation.. yet. Keep pushing forward and then the guilt will slowly fade and only kick in when you're giving in to ED.

    I just started seeing a therapist and to my surprise, I find it really helpful. I NEVER thought that I would be comfortable with talking to a stranger but my therapist is really great and knows where I'm coming from as she has recovered from an ED herself.

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  3. I do think that therapy can be an amazing thing. While it may not be for everyone, it presents the opportunity to speak to someone who is objective and not emotionally invested in you or your recovery. It should (key word: should) make you feel comfortable expressing your real and honest feelings without the worry that you may hurt someone who loves you. That being said, only you really know what's best for you. Keep on pushing, girl, changing your views is a journey from any perspective! :)

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  4. Oh, Gabriella, this makes me SO sad to see you struggling like this :'( Seeing you deprive your body of what it desperately needs is just killing me hun :'(

    And I think it really is a shame that it isn't working out with your therapist. I know that for me, it took a while to find the right therapist, but once I did, it helped me TREMENDOUSLY! If you can, I would really encourage you to continue in therapy. The more you give to it, the more you will get out.

    Lastly, but MOST importantly, this battle IS worth it! YOU can do this!!!!

    Praying for you, <3

    Scott

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  5. Hey Gabriela! Thank you for stopping by my blog :)
    You said here, "When I went to bed… I simply could not fall asleep. I felt fet. I felt horrible. I felt awful. I felt… worthless." These, my dear, are just feelings. They aren't fact! When I began to eat more, I felt full all the time but as I continued to eat that way, I became used to it as my metabolism sped up. I can understand the feeling of worthlessness but, alas, it's just a feeling. Feelings pass :)

    Personally, therapy has done wonders for me. But I think it depends on the therapist themselves. Do you like Clara? Do you feel like you can connect with her? If not then you might need to switch. But I do think if you give therapy another try, it will really help. It's just your ED trying to prevent you from getting better. You deserve to get better sweetie!

    Katy
    xxx

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  6. I never went to therapy but felt like I kind of should- I think it would have really helped being able to talk about it with a neutral person. But yeah, I can't say all of it would have been enjoyable..I can see how being the center of attention when talking about something so serious and personal could be tough. I don't even like talking to doctors about it!

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  7. I completely understand the feeling of not liking therapy. I went to a therapist twice in the past month about my ED and to be honest, it triggered me back to old behaviors because of the mindset it put me in. I think my therapist just jumped to conclusions too quickly about me though!
    I definitely think therapy is for some people and it depends on the situation. I know myself and with the right therapist, it may have helped me but she just didn't focus in on the right areas.
    Haha enough about me. But I guess what I'm getting at is you have to make your own calls about therapy and you will know if it is right or not :)
    Also, I think it is normal to be recovering from an ED and regress into bad thoughts about restriction (sometimes, I do that). I definitely think that it is the actions that will make the difference and you just need to try to "forge through" and make healthy decisions! I bought the book "Life Without ED" and have read a little and it's been wonderful through recovery!
    Good luck with everything :)

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  8. i bet therapy would really help. it's a scary thought, but sometimes talking through your feelings makes you feel soo much better!!

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  9. I think therapy would help, too! Maybe you just need to find the right therapist...if you have the choice to try a different one, you should definitely find one you feel more comfortable with! I think therapy is amazing (of course... I'm getting my Master's in Clinical Psych!), and has helped sooo many people.
    And if you don't feel comfortable being in the spotlight, maybe there is a group session you could attend?
    It's really great that you have good insight into the way you're feeling...that is definitely a positive thing, and much better than feeling upset and not understanding why.
    Good luck!
    PS Thanks for checking out my blog :)

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  10. i have never been to a therapist before, the idea sounds scary to me too. i kind of feel like if i ever had the nerve to actually go that it would be ok. but getting there is my issue :P i think they can help some people, and others are just fine without. it's really up to you and how you feel about it. everyone is different.
    recovering from an ed is such a long hard battle. but you can beat it :)

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