quarta-feira, 4 de agosto de 2010

On Beeing Full

I´m trying to keep my eyes closed. But it gets harder and harder by the second.

My stomach is growling. Not with hunger, but with discomfort. I feel heavy. And unbelievably full, in all possible meanings.

I stare at the clock at my bedside table, unable to move. It tells me it´s already 2am. I try to fall asleep once again, knowing I would have to get up less then three hours later. My head was spinning.


So… yeah.

That was basically what I felt on Monday morning before waking up. I tried to challenge myself a bit each day, but my efforts were clearly not strong enough. ED rulled. Until…





YMIAJ – 1/2 non-fat yogurt container, 1/2 crumbled granola bar, leftover PB



Whole Wheat Quiche, tomato slices, lettuce, steamed carrot and chayote + a pear



Two slices of whole wheat bread with a tbsp of cottage cheese and a side of white tea, plus…


A mango.




Grilled chicken, pumpkin purée, steamed cassava, cauliflower, carrot and baked sweet potato


With a side of white tea



Steamed cassava, carrot and cauliflower, grilled chicken, with a side of white tea and a pear




A chopped apple with 3 tbsp of cottage cheese

Pre-Lunch (at a BBQ)


Grated carrot and beet, tomato slices, bean salad, chicken wing, lettuce and an olive (ate only about 10% – I wasn´t hungry at all)



Grilled chicken, steamed cauliflower, cassava and carrot, mashed pumpkin and grilled chicken with a side of Iced Tea



Half a cantaloupe

Until Sunday.




The other half of that cantaloupe



Grilled chicken, steamed cassava, cauliflower, broccoli and carrot, heart-of-palms pie, farfalle pasta (Ok, I left the pasta and half of that grilled chicken… But I was incredibly full), with a side of Iced Tea

Snack #1


Banana Soft-Serve! It totally CHANGED MY LIFE. Best. Dessert. Ever!

Snack #2


McDonald´s strawberry parfait! It´s been YEARS since my last time at McD´s – and I was really proud of myself for ordering something while my little sister Lele enjoyed her strawberry milkshake with chocolate sauce :)



Whole Wheat Quiche, steamed cassava, carrot, cauliflower and broccoli and grilled chicken (a glass of Iced Tea on the side)

Dessert (Snack #3)


A spoonful of PB (while Lele reached out for her 2nd scoop)

Ok. Wow, huh?

I felt incredibly good, but incredibly awful, too. I cannot lie – having 3 snacks plus 3 meals was really new to me. I couldn´t sleep the whole night – my stomach was working on digesting all the food I had eaten. But, mind-wise, I was in a really good place. At least, at first.

Monday was my first day back at school. I had to wake up by 4:50am, get dressed, have breakfast, brush my teeth, get my stuff… all over again.

But I had great news:

#1 – I was invited to join the Brazilian´s History Olympics – a competition with students from all over the country with the best grades in History. I was selected with a 100/100 and a 96/100! I was SO happy :D

#2 – My Portuguese Composition was selected to a competition with (yet again) students from all over Brazil. It was about differences. Again – I was REALLY excited!

Foodie pics from Monday:




Whole Wheat Bread, a tbsp of cottage cheese and 1/2 glass of milk with 1/2 tbsp of chocolate powder



A small apple



Whole Wheat Spinach Quibe with a salad (lettuce, turkey breast, grated carrots and beets, heart-of-palms and mustard sauce) and a side of Iced Tea



“Itanhangá Sandwich” – smoked salmon, buffalo mozzarella cheese and pesto sauce on a ciabatta bread…


With a side of a fresh unsweetened orange juice

Heaven in my mouth. The only part left was the bread (there was WAY too much bread for my taste… I´d like a 80-20 salmon/bread ratio, hahaha)

I was SO FULL afterwards…

But I was definetely happy to make Grandpa happy!

Besides, I had an amazing time with him and Peter Paul (my little cousin). We met his mother (Aunt Caroline) on our way to Argumento (a book store), and it was great to choose and book and talk to her. She just got back from France (my dream destination!). The funny thing is: we never talked much. We never got along too well. But it seems like we´re finding much and much more things in common, and I was very pleased to chat with my cool Aunt :D


Yesterday was much worse. I fought with Mom, had a misunderstanding at my band´s meeting… The only highlight of my day was seeing my cousin. He lives in Sweden, but he´s here for vacation. It was a bit weird, since I hadn´t seen him in over a year, but still… It felt good. I had fun.




1/2 container of yogurt, 1/2 crumbled granola bar, teaspoon of PB



A mini-apple



Turkey Breast and White Cheese sandwich on a whole wheat bread (plus an Iced Tea on the side)



Grilled chicken, steamed veggies (cassava, broccoli, carrot and pumpkin), heart-of-palms quiche

Yep. Not my best day. But I had to post it, I wanted to be completely honest with you guys… I was giving up.

Not only on recovery, but on myself.

But as for now… I feel much more commited. It´s the first afternoon-snack I eat during classes in AGES! It was a big accomplishment.

Plus, I didn´t calorie-count. I wanted to, but I was able to stop myself before it was too late. I plan on going out for dinner with Mom – and have Cassava Gnocchi with either Funghi or Pesto sauce! I´m already predicting there will be no pics – I plan of eating without blinking or thinking! And without regretting, of course :D


Oh, well.

I maybe wrote a little too much for your liking?

Sorry. It´s just that I did have a million things to recap from all those days I spent at Dad´s house. Which, let me tell you, weren´t the easiest.

But it´s all over now. I´m back at my beloved house, to my beloved bedroom. Believe me when I say I couldn´t ask for more :)

I have great plans for tomorrow. I guess I´ll see you guys soon…?

Oh – and thank you SO much for all the love and support. It means the world to me :D



8 comentários:

  1. Hola Gabriela!
    I'm a new reader from Los Angeles, California! I've never heard of Quiche before but it looks tasty! Sorry to hear that being with your dad wasnt fun, I'm not that close to my dad even though we live in the same house. Hopefully next time you will have a better time!

    I like seeing pics of your eats, thanks for sharing! :-)

  2. Hi G!

    Glad to hear u had the experience of real eating on some days and that u recognised that although it was hard, your brain felt the benehfits of it, You need to remember that and keep up with eating well. I know u can do it. Sorry to hear u had a rough time at ur dads, but hopefully youll be better now that ur home and u can be more consistent with reocvery because consistency is what gets results. The salmon ciabatta looks yum, as do those quiches!! I love quiche tho :)


  3. Aww, love, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with so much discomfort and so many struggles. But that's what recovery is about, unfortunately. It's not going to be easy or comfortable, and if it is, then it just means you're not fighting hard enough. The beginning stages are the worst, but it will get easier... trust me. You feel full all the time because you're not used to eating a NORMAL amount. Because you've been restricting for so long, your metabolism slowed down, your digestion slowed down, and your stomach shrank... Those feelings of fullness and bloat will persist for a while, but they'll disappear after you keep eating consistently for a few weeks and your metabolism will fire up and hunger will return.

    Stay strong, hun. It's incredibly hard, I know, but you have so much promise in you and such a wonderful future ahead of you, so don't let an ED ruin it all.

  4. I am so sad you are going through all of this discomfort and anxiety :( Take comfort in the fact that it WILL get easier. It will. And I am so proud of you for continuing on this road to recovery through all of the hardships. You can do this, I know you can. Stay strong.

    Praying for you,


  5. It's never fun having that "full" feeling but it's all part of recovery. We're all proud of you, though!! Plus, eating multiple times a day isn't all bad, huh? ;)

  6. I'm glad to see you're doing better! Remember I'm always here for you, even though I'm all the way in Cali :(

  7. Congrats on getting into the competitions!

  8. You can do this girl. I have so much faith in you! You have so many people behind you. Anytime that you feel the struggle please think about the many people on here that back you up and want to see you completely better. You and your body are worth it! Remember what I said in an earlier comment, when you eat, enjoy the company around you, talk to them about their day, laugh and have fun. :)