So, I guess most of you know what I´m talking about.
Yesterday, I had a real “Fat Day”.
And, when I say real, I mean, real tough.
Allow me to explain:
I´ve been sent to my Dad´s house so I could be watched 24/7. In order to recover and to stop fighting with Mom, I didn´t complain. And I´m technically here since Saturday.
I know it´s been least then a week – but it feels like I already spent A YEAR here. Not kidding.
Anyhow. Mom assumed that, since I´m here, my Dad/Grandma/Uncle would watch my eats. But the real thing is… they don´t.
So… I tried to increase my calorie intake by myself. I thought it was working – Dad seemed to be proud. I was trying my best to keep ED-thoughts away… And I felt pretty normal. I felt good.
Well. I saw Mom while at “Grandma 2”´s house. She smilled at me, but stayed distant. I did the same.
Only, a few minutes later, she called me.
“I just wanted to tell you I´m proud of you”, she said.
“You look beautiful. More relaxed, calm… And I see glow inside your eyes. I can tell you´re eating more. Aren´t you? I could tell. Oh, gosh. I can´t wait until this is all over.”
I felt weird. Happy, but sad at the same time. Just… confused.
When I got back at Dad´s house, though…
I was at Grandma´s bathroom (Grandma 1, this time), brushing my teeth (the other bathroom was beeing cleaned). When I was finished, I looked down for some reason. That´s how I found it.
My Grandma´s scale, super high-tech and classy. It called me. I started thinking twice, but my feet were faster. I had already stepped in.
I looked down, one more time.
“HOLY. CRAP.” were my exact thoughts.
I didn´t care about the fact that I was wearing heavy jeans, a sweater and a coat plus my cellphone in my back pocket. I just felt… gigantic. Enormous. Bad… Fat.
The number on the scale should have pleased me – one step closer to recovery, and one step closer to England! – but it didn´t. At least, not the part of my mind that took me over at that moment – ED.
A million things crossed my mind:
- I shouldn´t have eaten that second plate of cauliflower.
- I shouldn´t have drank that Light Zero-Calorie Iced Tea.
- I should have eaten less at breakfast.
- Why did I eat so much strogonoff? It´s not even low-cal!
- WHAT´S WRONG WITH ME?!
- and more…
But you got the idea. I felt like crap.
Through the rest of the day, I only ate dinner. At 7:40pm, when Dad left the house.
Nobody was watching me.
I just feel so stupid right now!
Why am I trying to LOOSE weight?!
Mom wants me to GAIN 14 POUNDS!
What the heck am I doing?
I just wonder why… Why is it so hard.
I´ll let you see what I´ve been eating. And letting you guys be the judge.
1/3 non-fat yogurt with cinnamon and a few mango slices on the side
YMIAJ – 3/4 container of non-fat yogurt, 1/2 crumbled granola bar and crunchy PB leftovers
Cooked cassava, steamed frozen veggies (broccoli, carrots and cauliflower), grilled chicken, a tbsp of toasted manioc flour (brazilian´s farofa), a scoop of black beans and Light Iced Tea on the side
Steamed frozen veggies, cooked cassava, grilled chicken (plus ~tbsp of ketchup)
A slice of whole wheat bread with a tbsp of cottage cheese, with 1/2 glass of non-fat milk and ~tbsp of chocolate powder
~3 tbsp of white rice and chicken strogonoff, with sliced heart-of-palms and Light Iced Tea on the
“Corn on the cob” while at June´s Party
A pear and a slice of honeydew melon
Steamed frozen veggies, cooked cassava, sliced heart-of-palms, chicken strogonoff, ~2 tbsp of white rice and a side of Light Iced Tea
Steamed frozen veggies, heart-of-palms, chicken strogonoff and half a sweet potato
Coffee with non-fat milk, whole wheat mini-baguette with ~tsp of requeijão (brazilian cheese spread)
Lunch (at a japanese/chinese restaurant)
Baked kabocha, steamed japanese veggies, broccoli and cauliflower, bean salad, sliced cucumber, eggplant, mini-soy burguer, plus…
Salmon sushi, White Fish sushi, Sweet Potato sushi, Shiitake sushi and Massago roll-piece.
Slice of cottage cheese+ricotta+heart-of-palms+spinach whole wheat flour quiche (phew!), steamed cauliflower, cherry tomatoes and sliced heart-of-palms…
And I came back for more cauliflower (it´s the first time I´ve had seconds in YEARS, YAY!). Ate everything with a side of Light Iced Tea
Apple, mango slices
Chicken strogonoff leftovers, mashed pumpkin, whole wheat quiche, steamed cauliflower
Grilled chicken, mashed pumpkin, steamed cauliflower
… With a glass of Light Iced Tea on the side
Mango slices, Honeydew melon slice
Steamed cauliflower, ~2tbsp of white rice, 1/2 scoop of black beans, a tbsp of mashed pumpkin, cooked cassava, slice of spinach frittata and grilled chicken
Steamed cauliflower, cooked cassava, whole wheat quiche, slice of spinach frittata…
With a glass of Light Iced Tea on the side.
Hm… I guess that´s it.
Oh, and I snapped a few pics while having fun with Lelê…
During my brief “carefree” phase.
(Too much zoom – oops!)
Gotta love my little sister!
But don´t worry, lovies.
I´m not giving up.
I´ll be back soon, ok?