domingo, 27 de junho de 2010

This Are My Confessions

(If you feel like reading a not-so-positive post/note will affect your day in a bad way, please don´t read the rest. Keeping the good memories is important, too.)

Hello, guys.

Yet again, it´s been a while.

Yes - I´ve been crazy busy with stuff from school. Vacation starts in two weeks, but the last one will be 100% tests. Which means I have a two crazy busy weeks ahead until I´m free. Not so exciting, oops.

But, anyhow. I felt like I needed to give you guys some explanation. So many things have happend this week…

Some good ones. But mostly bad things :/

Let´s see:

- I had real ugly fights with Mom. She cried, I cried, we both cried… a lot. Have I told you how much I hate arguing with her? She´s most probably the best Mom in the world – everybody in school “wants my Mom”. Seriously - she´s the. sweetest. Mom. ever.

- I slipped.

Yes, sir. Remember the post I´ve written back on June 7th? All forgotten and ignored. Yet again.

That´s why I didn´t post for so many days. Or why I blogged only about the good points. Because the bad ones were, well… really, really bad.

I went to therapy on Thursday and to a homeopathy doctor on Friday. Both of them were hard… I cried tons. Quietly, but I did. And I hate crying in front of people.

Oh, and the possibilities of me entering an IP program during vacation are high. I mean, really high.

To make a long story short – my Mom´s sick of “watching me die”. Kill myself. Suicide. Whatever works.

And now, she´s arguing with Dad about what should they do with me. Nobody wants to stay with me. Nobody wants to have me around. And no, I´m not kidding. They said that to me, word by word.

How do I feel about all that?

I guess I don´t know. It´s weird. I feel like life´s passing by and I´m only watching it from the outside. I´ve been truly distant on the last few days.

Ugh, and I just feel so guilty. I should´ve taken care of myself. Now everyone is mad at me, including myself. Grrrrrrrr!

I´m sorry if I´m beeing too negative… But I promise I´ll end it on a brighter note.

First – some nice pics:


A soy burguer.


Chicken quiche, tomatoes, sweet potato


The best pear I´ve ever eaten


Sautéed spinach, steamed cauliflower, grilled chicken, tomato slices and a baked sweet potato


Vegetable-and-tofu-filled wrap (sans le wrap)


Shrimp, fish and veggie stir-fry


Leek quiche, mixed salad (lettuce, broccoli, carrot, cauliflower, heart-of-palms and mango)


Yogurt+crumbled granola bar, papaya slice


Ricotta and carrot sandwich




Heart-of-palms, cherry tomatoes, australian bread, brie, gorgonzola and gouda cheese slices


Ricotta and turkey breast sandwich


Fruit salad (with papaya, mango and pineapple)


Vegan Quibe, steamed veggies and salad (at a vegetarian place)


Crazy delicious salad (lettuce, beets, carrots, heart-of-palms, gorgonzola and buffalo mozzarella slices, broccoli, cauliflower, olives, turkey breast slices, cherry tomatoes, garbanzo beans…)


And – WOW! Pineapple and mango slices on the side. Holy. Freaking. YUM.

I´m so sorry guys, but… the last few days have been pretty exhausting. I skipped some meals, threw some food away… And I know that´s not right.

I feel that, from now on, my posts will be 100% text. Mom doesn´t want me to take anymore pics of my eats, and I think she´s kind of right. For some people (like me), it may turn into an obsession. I wouldn´t eat anything I hadn´t pictured at first hand. So, since I´m trying to eliminate all disordered behaviours from my life… I should really try not taking food pictures on a regular base.

So..yeah. I guess I´ve written a lot, already. Hehe.

I´ll be back soon, I promise!

Thank you all for reading and supporting. You´re the best, guys :)



9 comentários:

  1. I know things are hard but you will get through it. Fights with parents are never fun but you'll pull through it! And as always, your eats look amazing.

  2. I am so sorry for your bad week(s). I know it is tough, and fights with the family about ED issues are the. worst. But you WILL get through this, and things will get better.

    Sending Support and prayers your way,


    P.S. Don´t feel bad about being negative, or not posting pics, or anything on your blog for that matter. It is YOUR blog, and you need to use it for what is best for YOU, not for us. That is why we have our own blogs ;) Here is your place for us to support you :)

  3. SO sorry to hear you're struggling:( I know it's hard to hear negative things from your family (like them saying they don't want you around)...BUT they don't mean it....a lot of things are said in the heat of the moment that we don't mean; eating disorders are so hard to deal with and for parents trying to understand what's going on, it can be frustrating, hard and difficult to they say things out of frustration, not because they mean it. I hope that you are able to move forward from here and hate that you still struggle. It's not easy to get over, but lean on your family as much as possible and you will get past this stage in your life. I agree with the food can absolutely work against you, so do what's best for you!! BEST OF LUCK!!

  4. Aww hun :( Don't apologize for being negative; blogging is a great way to get things off your chest, and it's really admirable of you to be able to admit that you're struggling.

    That being said, I'm so sorry that things are going so rough for you right now :( It sucks that you've been fighting with your family, but just remember that it's not YOU they're angry/frustrated with, it's your ED. I remember having so many spats with my parents because of my ED... they really only want what's best for you, and it really IS hard to watch someone you care about slowly kill themselves from starvation.

    Try and focus on getting better, hun, because there really is nothing good at the end of the road of restriction. And don't worry about the food pics. If you think it's detrimental to your recovery, ditch it. I hate taking pictures of everything I eat, so I don't bother. Just do what's best for you!

  5. girl, im sorry about the fights and flare-ups. please dont feel guilty. i know its hard and its so difficult to see how ur family is more on edge with eachother and so worried about you. at least u dont have to question whether u are loved or supported enough to be able to recover and live a beautiful life. and you love them just the same and ur not doing anything purposely. just remember that all of this is normal, and just try ur best to love each other and not step on eachothers toes too much. i used to fight so badly with my mom, we'd both cry too. it hurts, i know, but at the end of the journey u will only look back and see how much stronger you all are together :)

    i can understand 100% how food pics would cause anxiety for some people and actually slow recovery. it can become too much.. focus more on ur feelings and thoughts- i think ur mom is right. then when ur at a stronger place u can choose what is right/best for you.

    lots of love and hugs <3 <3

  6. hey lady.. sending huge hugs your way, seriously.. you need some!
    i know your parents might seem like they hate you, they dont want you around.. but they are talking to your ED, not you. they love you- but they dont want your ED to destroy you- so every attack- its not for you.. its for ED.
    and everytime you throw food out, skip meals, thats not you.. thats ED.
    i know that every day is different, so remember that every day you are not going to win. you might lose to ED one day, but get back up and fight back hard the next, dont give up on your self. if you must go to IP, do it for your parents, your little sisters, your baby brother/sister who is on the way..
    you can do it!!!!
    if you need to, you can email me!!!!
    love you girlie!!!!

  7. hello beautiful girl!
    Hope things are cheering up for you :( Keep your head held high and try not to listen to that tiny lil negative voice in your head. You can beat this!!!

    It makes me so sad I can't help more.. I'd love to be your right hand girl helping u stay positive through this. Even though this is through the internet.. I'm here for u if u need to talk! The blog world is a wonderful community and we are all supportive and too see everyone happy and healthy. Love ya! life's too short for that evil lil ED voice. you show it who's boss! <3

  8. I'm sorry you've been having a rough time :( I'm sure it's not that they don't want you around, they just want you to get better!