Seriously – who am I trying to fool?
I´ve heard it. Many, many times. From my mother, my father, my friends and family. From blog-friends, blog-writers, blog-readers. Even anonymous. Will I ever wake up?!
I just feel so stupid. I mean, while I´m at school or doing something else – watching life passing by – I try to forget and avoid this kind of subject. In my head, everything´s just so normal. If I´m eating out, I must choose something to please who I´m eating with. When I´m back home, all I have to do is restrict. Make meals smaller. Which means a plate that´s already on the smaller side…
Turns into this:
And it keeps getting smaller. It´s a vicious cycle – it´s neverending, and it´s addicting. I swear it takes me no more then a few secong to cut a baked sweet potato on half and deciding to leave the bigger amount on the fridge. It´s like playing hide-and-seek – only, this time, all by myself.
Have you ever noticed I have a small “quiche-problem”? It´s not passion. It´s an addiction that has became a habit. Quiches paired with salads have became my ultimate comfort food – it tastes good, and I can tell others I´m not avoiding carbs. But it seems that, each day, the size of my quiche slice gets smaller. And the side salad, lighter. The “less-fatening”, the better.
And all of that was normal. In my world, it all revolves around school. The person I´ll be in the future, brazilian´s “vestibular” (something like the SATs, only you have to do them to get into a good college), and all kinds of studies. And, don´t ask me why – but I have became obssessed with school, too. Nobody talks about chemistry, physics, history or even maths more then me. I kid, I complain – but I just can´t stop talking about it. Again - it´s an addiction. It´s not healthy at all.
The most frustrating thing about this is that I knew something was wrong. That doing what I was doing – eating what I was eating – was not normal. But I kept ignoring, I kept avoiding. Until… well, tonight.
This is a wake up call. Not like the others I may have had in the past – those were more like kicks and punches on my face. But what was the point? Recovery is something you have to do for yourself, by yourself. Yes, family members and even medical help can be great if you have it/them, but you must WANT to get better. I´m sorry about the creepy allusion, but it´s like going to the bathroom – nobody can do it in your place.
I´m sorry, guys. I really am. For taking your time, making you worry… You´ve been the best friends (blog-friends, whatever) ever. Let me see if I can name a few lovies here:
-Gabriela (my older blonde twin, haha), from Une Vie Saine. I don´t think I´ll ever be able to thank you enough. You helped me through my darkest moments, and meeting you was definetely one of my best memories from my trip to NY. I love you tons, girlie!
-Amanda, from Seek. I have never heard of a sweeter girl. She´s been trying to convince me to get better for MONTHS now, because, for some mysterious reason, she cares about me. While reading her comments, I feel like beeing hugged. It feels warm, and good. Again – I don´t think I´ll be ever able to thank you enough. I really wish I could meet you in person – I already love you, girl!
-Amy, from Please Don´t Eat Me. She has been such a sweetheart! We discovered each other´s blog a little while ago, and I was amazed by her story. I never guessed she would later contact me, and start exchanging thoughts and stories! We even found a few similarities and fun facts about each other. I just love talking to her – and it´s so amazing that, somehow, she always writes me back! Love you, lady!
-Jessica, from A Student Kitchen. I´ve read her blog for a long time, but I was never brave enough to write a proper comment. Then, when I did, it was such a surprise – she wrote me back, and kept contacting and advicing me! I felt so honored – she was one of my favourite bloggers, and as she lived (and still does, duh) in England, I felt that “untoucheable, unreacheable” feeling. It was just wonderful when I found out she was as kind and sweet as I thought – maybe even more. I truly want to meet you someday – you already hold a special place in my heart, girlie!
-Christina, from Christina Butter and Ameena, from Fancy That, Fancy This. They´re both just such sucessful bloggers, and I´d never dream of them writing me back. And not just “only because” – they did have real comments to do and advices to give me. I feel so blessed for receiving feeback from such inspirational characters and amazing women. Thank you so much, ladies!
I beg your pardon, but I still have chemistry test tomorrow (and a physics one the next day…), so I won´t be able to thank every single one of you who helped me so much during all this time. Just a quick note: thanks Shannon, from Tropical Eats, Katie from Lil Veggie Patch, Scott, from Scott:recovered and Katie, from Faith Food & Fitness.I´m so thankful and I love you all, too!
And last but not least, I´d like to thank the anonymous commenters. I am lucky enough to say I have never received a bad comment in my life – you know, the ones on the mean side, to make you feel like crap. So, again - you´re awesome, guys!
These will be the “before” eats - let´s hope the “after” eats to be a bit more… real.
[and yes – those are PB teaspoons]
[minus the bread, obviously]
Anyhow… I´m sure it´ll be slow. But I think I´m determinated to make it work, this time. I want to do this – not only for myself, but for everyone around me. I know they care about me, and that´s why they keep fighting and arguing with me. Actually, not me – my ED. And I love them like crazy for even trying.
Wish you all a wonderful week, people. Life´s good, after all!