sexta-feira, 31 de dezembro de 2010

Last Post of The Decade

Hello, everyone!

How cool is that, people? Today’s the last day of the decade!

And, of course, my last post, too.

That makes me incredibly happy… but a bit sad, too. I mean, 2010 flied! Don’t you think so?

I almost couldn’t believe it when Dad told me today was New Year’s Eve. Is it? Haha.

2010 was definitely a great year. I mean, obviously, I’ve had my ups and downs. But overall, I’d say it was a success.

And, by the way – your comments on my last post helped me SO much!

I talked to Mom, and instead of saying she’d stop, she taught me valuable lesson.

She said: “I don’t read minds. Nobody does. You should know by now that people usually joke. And jokes are not always nice. I’m sorry I hurted you, but you shouldn’t be so upset. You shouldn’t let people’s words get to you so much. Otherwise, everytime someone disappoints you or says something “wrong” or “bad” about you, you’ll be devastated. And I don’t want to see you sad and unhappy all the time. I want to see you strong and happy. Be strong, sweetheart.”

Ok, so maybe these were not her exact words. But it’s the same message.

It was kind of hard to hear, but I know it’s true. I shouldn’t let people’s comments and jokes get to me so much.

Isn’t our Moms (almost) always right?

Anyhow, I figured I should post a few reasons why I’m actually proud to be short.

I might not be able to reach to the highest shelf…

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(taking pics with the “timer” function isn’t easy, ok?)

But I can sure hide rather easily when I feel like it

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(and yep, I’m smiling. But you can’t see it because I’m playing with my iPod, haha)

I should be proud of who I am. No matter how tall (besides, I’m only 15. I might just grow a few more inches… Hehe)

A little Christmas recap:

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At the mall, with Lelê and Baby Mig

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At my Family’s Christmas Dinner (on December 23rd… long story, haha)

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At Grandma’s house, on Christmas Eve

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At Grandma’s (Dad’s Mom) house on Christmas Day. Love this picture!

I guess that’s all. Oh, and before I forget about it – last year, I recorded a Christmas video with a super-talented friend of mine called Renata. We’re still on Holiday season, right? Haha. I hope you like it!

Wish you all an amazing NYE and a 2011 full of joy, accomplishments, happiness and health!

Love you all SO much.

Bring it on, 2011!

XOXO

G.

domingo, 26 de dezembro de 2010

So Sick

Please don’t worry guys!

I’m not really sick. I mean, I am, but not health-wise.

Allow me to explain: I’m sick of these STUPID jokes.

Everytime Mom, Lelê, Bruna and I are together, she (Mom) says: “Let’s see who’s the highest one here!”.

And I’m SO. DARN. SICK. OF IT.

Let’s just say my Mom isn’t so tall. She’s maybe 5’3 1/2. So me and my sister Bruna were always not-so-tall/average (Lelê is SO TALL for her age. 4’0 for a 5 year-old girl?!).

The thing is: since I started the yo-yo diet thing (ED-related), I haven’t grown much. Which means that my sister, 1 year and 10 months younger then me, is my height (maybe a liiitle bit taller).

She’s skinnier then me. She’s always been skinnier then me. We’ll never weight the same, we’ll never have the same bodies.

But now that she’s my height, “comparasions are easily done”. You know what I mean?

Now, she has grown normally for all her life. I haven’t. I actually haven’t seen a doctor in a long time, so I don’t even know if I’ll grow any more inches.

But this “who’s the tallest” thing bothers me so much. It’s like always remembering me how anorexia made me short.

And she thinks I never knew that?! She thinks it never bothers me that I could’ve grown much more? Have a regular period? Does she think I never torture myself for all this things? That I never feel guily?!

It’s enough, for crying out loud. I’ve been eating so much more lately. Even stepfather said I was much more healthy. So WHY does she have to keep remembering me that I’m SHORT? It’s tough enough to LIVE WITH IT! Gosh, doesn’t she know it hurts me?

Here’s what happend: Mom asked me to go the grocery store with her. I said ok. Then, all of a sudden, everyone else wanted to go, too. Ok. Even though I didn’t really feel like going (the only reason I was going at first was because Mom did not want to go on her own), I decided to go anyway. So, we were all waiting for the elevator, when Mom asked “let’s line up according to our heights”.

Ok, it may not seem much, but it was enough to piss me off. I screamed back, without a second though: “SHUT UP! Just… SHUT UP!”

And I started crying. I went right back home, and closed the door behind me. I cried for a long time. I went to the living room to take the phone and call her – to tell how much she had hurted me.

But then stepfather kinda made me calm down. He said he understood. And that what she said was really wrong. He even added: “You know, if you think about it, they’re kind of bullying you”.

I know what I did was wrong. I didn’t plan on saying “shut up” to my Mom, by any means. But I was SO pissed, SO sick of all these retarted jokes, I exploded. If you’re reading this (but I’m sure you’re not, since you went to the grocery store)… Sorry, Mom. But please, just stop! It’s so not funny anymore.

Ok, so now I stopped crying. Sorry, everyone. I didn’t want this to be such a downer post… Specially after such a wonderful day (aka Christmas).

By the way – I won the new iPod Touch! And I’m really excited about it.

Ok, so I better shed my tears and go get something to eat. My belly’s growling!

Love you all. Thanks for reading this.

XOXO,

G.

So Sick

Please don’t worry guys!

I’m not really sick. I mean, I am, but not health-wise.

Allow me to explain: I’m sick of these STUPID jokes.

Everytime Mom, Lelê, Bruna and I are together, she (Mom) says: “Let’s see who’s the highest one here!”.

And I’m SO. DARN. SICK. OF IT.

Let’s just say my Mom isn’t so tall. She’s maybe 5’3 1/2. So me and my sister Bruna were always not-so-tall/average (Lelê is SO TALL for her age. 4’0 for a 5 year-old girl?!).

The thing is: since I started the yo-yo diet thing (ED-related), I haven’t grown much. Which means that my sister, 1 year and 10 months younger then me, is my height (maybe a liiitle bit taller).

She’s skinnier then me. She’s always been skinnier then me. We’ll never weight the same, we’ll never have the same bodies.

But now that she’s my height, “comparasions are easily done”. You know what I mean?

Now, she has grown normally for all her life. I haven’t. I actually haven’t seen a doctor in a long time, so I don’t even know if I’ll grow any more inches.

But this “who’s the tallest” thing bothers me so much. It’s like always remembering me how anorexia made me short.

And she thinks I never knew that?! She thinks it never bothers me that I could’ve grown much more? Have a regular period? Does she think I never torture myself for all this things? That I never feel guily?!

It’s enough, for crying out loud. I’ve been eating so much more lately. Even stepfather said I was much more healthy. So WHY does she have to keep remembering me that I’m SHORT? It’s tough enough to LIVE WITH IT! Gosh, doesn’t she know it hurts me?

Here’s what happend: Mom asked me to go the grocery store with her. I said ok. Then, all of a sudden, everyone else wanted to go, too. Ok. Even though I didn’t really feel like going (the only reason I was going at first was because Mom did not want to go on her own), I decided to go anyway. So, we were all waiting for the elevator, when Mom asked “let’s line up according to our heights”.

Ok, it may not seem much, but it was enough to piss me off. I screamed back, without a second though: “SHUT UP! Just… SHUT UP!”

And I started crying. I went right back home, and closed the door behind me. I cried for a long time. I went to the living room to take the phone and call her – to tell how much she had hurted me.

But then stepfather kinda made me calm down. He said he understood. And that what she said was really wrong. He even added: “You know, if you think about it, they’re kind of bullying you”.

I know what I did was wrong. I didn’t plan on saying “shut up” to my Mom, by any means. But I was SO pissed, SO sick of all these retarted jokes, I exploded. If you’re reading this (but I’m sure you’re not, since you went to the grocery store)… Sorry, Mom. But please, just stop! It’s so not funny anymore.

Ok, so now I stopped crying. Sorry, everyone. I didn’t want this to be such a downer post… Specially after such a wonderful day (aka Christmas).

By the way – I won the new iPod Touch! And I’m really excited about it.

Ok, so I better shed my tears and go get something to eat. My belly’s growling!

Love you all. Thanks for reading this.

XOXO,

G.

quinta-feira, 23 de dezembro de 2010

1 Year Old, and Let’s CELEBRATE!

Hey guys!

So, I’m happy (and sad) to announce that December 15th marked Fro-Yo Lover’s first year!

Happy because, well, blogging makes me happy. And I’m really thankful for all the awesome people I met though blogworld, and all the amazing comments that made me stay so focused and strong. You guys are amazing!

Sad because… well… it’s December 23rd now! I should’ve remembered to post on December 15th instead of being so lazy and waiting for so long. Well, anyway… There’s still time to celebrate… right?

I’d like to write down things I’m thankful for, since I was MIA during Thanksgiving season (plus, we don’t celebrate Thanksgiving in Brazil). Let’s see…

I’m thankful for:

- my (wonderful) Mom, who’s always been there for me when I most needed

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At our hotel at Boston’s elevator. ‘Cause we’re classy like that ;)

- Baby Mig (he’s the sweetest 3-month-old baby ever! Followed by Baby Avery, haha)

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- improving my relationship with my 14-year-old sister Bruna (who just turned 14 on December 17th! Happy Birthday, sis!)

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- being able to study at a nice school, and seeing that all my study was worth it in the end

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1º B (our class)

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Looking like angels…

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… but not for long ;)

- having such wonderful, sweet and funny friends who care about me so much

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- my family (just no words. I might complain about them once in a while, but I consider myself very lucky for being related to those guys)

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- recovery

- peanut butter (seriously! I tried it for the first time in January, and it was love at the first bite!)

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- the amazing bloggers and friends I met though my blog (personally or virtually)

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Blog Meet-Up with Gabriela, from Une Vie Saine

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Lunch with Elina, from Healthy and Sane

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My dear friend Taylor (she no longer writes at A Chomp and a Chance)

- living in my house. I love my bedroom, computer, books, mobile phone, iPod and clothes just the way they are ;)

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Computer, iPod, school results, recipe notebook… must-needs :)

- being able to dress-up as an elf and sing my little heart out at Grandma’s hometown. It makes me so happy to make people smile and sing along!

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And many, many more… I’ll never be thankful enough for everything I am and have.

But, anyhow…

I’ll be spending Christmas with Mom’s side of the family and New Year with Dad’s side. Tomorrow I’m meeting my Godmother so we can do a little Christmas shopping together, then I’m headed to Grandpa’s house for our traditional December 23rd Christmas Dinner. I’m sure it’ll be fun!

By the way, speaking of Grandpa, I have I picture taken last Sunday (after my Mom’s Run&Walk for Longevity event) with him to show. He just bought himself an eletric bike. So cool!

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Oh, and before I forget it…

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYONE!

Wish you all a Merry Christmas (if you’re catholic) and a Happy Hanukkah (if you’re jew). And an amazing 2011, full of peace, love and cheer. Love you all!

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Baby Miguel wishes you all a “Feliz Natal!”, which means “Merry Christmas!”. And for all the jews out there, forgive me. But he’s just a baby. :)

See you soon!

(2011 or sooner!)

XOXO

G.

quinta-feira, 16 de dezembro de 2010

Facing Your Fears, Fail and Sucess

Hey, y’all!

So, yeah. That was quick, right?

I thought that, since I’m on vacation, I should use my time to write a bit more. Here we go, then!

The last three days were absolutely amazing.

Well, at least the last two. I don’t really remember exactly what I did on Monday, hehe. (Oh, the the joys of being school-free…)

Let’s just skip to Tuesday. First, I started off my day with a wonderful Yoga class with Ana, a spanish old lady who actually inspired my Mom to be a Yoga teacher/instructor. It felt great, and it was the first time I did not sleep on the last part of the class (when she makes us all lay down, close our eyes and relax? A great opportunity to take a nap, if you ask me. Haha)

Later on, by 6pm, I left the house and went to my friend Gabs’ “play”. It was actually a bunch of small scenes together, all of them written by Tablado’s students. It really fun, I have such a talented friend! She has a gift for acting, I’m sure of it :)

After watching her, me and a few friends decided to go out to “celebrate”. I was a bit uncertain, since it was already past my dinner time and Mom had told me that when I got back we’d go out to eat at a restaurant near my house (where I usually order a big bowl of salad). Leaving would be the easy option. I was ready to say goodbye to my friends and walk to the bus stop, when something hit me.

WHY WAS I LEAVING?!

I mean, I could sure go back home and spend time with Mom. But I do this everyday! Being with my friends is something that makes me feel good about myself. I feel great around them. So why was I trading my friends for MORE “me-time”? I spend the last two weeks in my room, reading blogs, leaving the house occasionally. After all I said the last time (that I was trying my hardest to beat-up ED), I would really just chicken out and embrace tha “safer” option? Surrender to ED?!

NO. I won’t do this. NOT AGAIN.

Those were the words that popped into my head, all of a sudden. And then it hit me – if I went home, ED would win. I’d be trading my friends and the pizza place they were about to go to for my Mom and a salad. But I want to win! I WANT TO be normal. Eat pizza. Laugh with my friends. Be stress-free. Care-free.

So I went for it. I called Mom, and asked her what to do (I wasn’t so convinced that I was doing the right thing at that time). I told her, honestly, that I had no money but I really wanted to stay. Gabs and her Mom heard me and said money wouldn’t be a problem, that she’d pay for all of us. Mom said I should stay, and that she’d pay me a cab on my way back. I smiled, and we left to the pizza place.

We went to an “All You Can Eat” pizza&crepe place. At first, it was obviously not fun hearing my friends laugh and say: “I’ll give you five dollars if you eat 5 slices or pizza. Pepperoni ones. And chicken+catupiry ones. No, ok. Two and a half slices. I doubt it. I’ll give you 10 dollars…”

So, yeah… That goes on and on. But when we actually started talking about other stuff, it was fun. I struggled quite a bit, to be really honest. They offered me a slice of a margheritta crepe, and I said a weak “ok”. I grabbed my fork and knife and started slicing it so bite-sized slices. Nobody was watching me – they were all laughing and chatting. I took the first bite, then-

WOW. It was GOOOD.

The last time I ate a real mozzarella-filled crepe was, what? Two years ago?

Later on, they served us shrimp+leek crepes. I took a small slice, and ate it. I took off the shrimp – it tasted off and uncooked… and did not want my first pizza-place experience in years to be a total fail – and ate all the rest. I was proud.

The rest of the night was smooth. I laughed, talked, made fun of the boys, discussed Gabs’ exchange to Australia and made vacation plans. So nice.

Was it easy? NO.

But I decided to face my fears.

And, well?

I did it.

And I’m pretty proud of myself.

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Thanks for reading and for all the sweet comments, guys!

You guys are the best.

Love you all!

XOXO,

G.

segunda-feira, 13 de dezembro de 2010

And I Go Back To December All The Time

So… I might be just a teeeny little bit obsessed about T-Swift’s (aka Snackface’s dopplegangster) new-to-me song “Back To December”. But it’s true – I’ve been really thinking a lot about what I’ve been doing since the beginning of the month.

Hello, everyone! Happy December.

Anyhow… In other words, as I said before, recovery isn’t easy. I’ll be honest with you – I’ve came to a point where everyone compliments me instead of talking about my unhealthy “skiny-ness” behind my back. “Gosh, you’re so beautiful… and tiny… and skinny…”

GUYS.

C’mon. Being thin DOES NOT equal being beautiful. Or healthy, for that matter.

But, my point is… it’s hard enough to convince myself of that. Hearing this stupid compliments from others…

I know it shouldn’t make me feel good. I usually react in a awkward way, in a mix of “thanks” with “I’m really not…”.But deep inside I know ED is smiling. Widely.

And I just hate that.

Why do I feel like I’ve “already gained enough”? Why am I so attached to my super-skinny jeans?

The truth is – I don’t think I could bare seeing those not fit. I think I’d totally freak out… considering I own only 3 pants (all of them are jeans, and really small). I’m so embarassed to ask Mom for new jeans… She’s taking care of a 3-month-old baby, she’s not working… we were supposed to save money. I was supposed to help her out with that.

But how can I go out without pants? Without shorts?

My old wardrobe is completely forgotten. As you may recall, back in January 2009 I was… “chubby”. Maybe even overweight. It’ll be hard for me to share this, but… Here it goes (proof):

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The pants I’m wearing here were the only ones that fitted me at that time. Right after taking this picture, we tried to find me a new pair of jeans… Without much luck. Every single one made me look… well, “fat”. According, not to me, but to Mom and Grandma. (Side note: Ok, so maybe they didn’t use the “F” word… But they meant to. You know? “This one looks a little too tight… That one doesn’t look good on you… You should try a larger one… Or maybe even a bit larger… etc.)

Anyway. Wow, I just realized how childish and whiny I sound. I beg your pardon. Please don’t think I’m hugely depressed and extremely sad – I’m doing well, too! It’s just that I tend to write about what annoys me. Sorry, everyone.

Moving on to the good news: I just got back from a little city in the countryside of São Paulo with Mom and Baby Mig named “Piracicaba”. I was invited to sing at “Casa de Noel” (Santa’s House), a project that offers a Christmas-themed show/concert featuring basically Santa Claus, his wife and his “elf” (aka me). It was SO much fun! We did 3 concerts:

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Concert #2

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Right after Concert #3 – with Baby Mig, Grandma and my young assistent (little Nino! I love love love him.)

I’ll be showing y’all better pics as soon as I can – for now, I have only a few ones from my own camera or from Casa de Noel’s website and Facebook page.

So, as you can probably tell, not everything’s lost! I’m not exactly sad right now ;) It’s just that… ED voice keeps bugging and annoying me for some reason. Go figure. I’m sure it’ll fade… with time.

I promise to be back soon!

XOXO to all of you,

G.

sábado, 27 de novembro de 2010

Suddenly Everything Has Changed

Well… maybe not so suddenly.

Hey, guys!

Wow… It’s been a while since I last wrote here. I feel like a brand new person while typing this, seriously! Everything’s so… new.

Let’s see what exactly has changed…

- I’m on vacation! Test week is over, and the results are out – I PASSED (unfortunately, a bunch of friends of mine didn’t... so they’re still going to school. meh)!

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- I gained. Hapiness, friends, “carefree-ness”, health, WEIGHT. I don’t know exactly how much, but the last time I checked I had gained 4kg (about 8 pounds, which is A LOT). But I’m having a few troubles with this – more on that later.

- I went to parties. Sleepovers. I hung out with a bunch of friends. I laughed. And, even though I’d  usually eat either a salad or nothing, I’d enjoy myself. I even ordered a grilled cheese while at The Outback once!

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- I’ve been more sociable. With family, friends, acquaintances… I’ve been more relaxed too.

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Allow me to explain.

The last two months have been really… life-changing. I decided that it was already time to take recovery more seriously, and I started eating. Obviously, in my mind, I was eating lika a horse. But, the thing is…

Even though I started gaining weight, I gained weight because I started eating more of the foods I was used to eat. Since I stopped calorie-counting, it’s been much easier to do so. But eating a wider variety of foods? Hmm… Not so much.

So picture really big sweet potatoes (which kinda reminds me of Tat – “Go big or go home”, anyone?), ridiculous amounts of black beans and egg farofa (a typical brazilian dish, which contains scrambled eggs and flour… mandioca/tapioca flour), unmeasured (but large) amounts of Fiber One cereal over Non-Fat Yogurts for breakfast, maybe some low-cal bread with some kind of blue cheese (which I learned I truly love), and fruits galore. Oh, and veggies too. I truly enjoy eating all kinds of veggies – I have to “thank” ED for that (I mean, for making me discover the joy of eating vegetables regularly).

Anyway. What I truly mean is – when I stop and think about it, I realize I still have tons of “fear foods”. I still have a long way to go. But then I remember how much weight I gained.

**WARING: This might be triggering**

Then I feel gross. How can I gain so much after eating only “healthy food”? What the hell is wrong with me?! I’ll never be able to eat a piece of chocolate, or any kind of candy, pasta, or rice… If I’m already looking this fat now, how could I ever expect to eat “unhealthy” food? I’m SUCH a pig! I can never stop eating. I feel like I’m bingeing ALL DAY LONG! What happend to that tiny, skinny and behaved girl?!

Ok. That was ED taking over. But I have to admit that I often feel uncomfortable about my weight gain. I now that it’s supposed to be normal, but all that “new skin” (fat) in my tummy is really scaring the hell out of me. My bigger arms? My wider hips? My “healthy and fatty” things? My still non-existent chest?

Ouch. The whole “new body” concept is truly bugging me. It’s really annoying.

I need some advice. Anyone willing to share some wisdom and wise words? Thanks.

And no… I didn’t eat any of that candy. I mean… does that “Apple Jacks” cereal count? How about that peanut butter jar? If it does… Then I did :)

But you understood. I still don’t have the… strenght. To challenge myself so much so fast. But I’m hoping I will… someday.

For now… I decided to go back to the gym. Maybe if I start exercising regularly again, I might feel better. Physically and mentally. And – who knows? – maybe even meet new people :)

I wanted to slowly get back to cardio (I tend to exaggerate when I see exactly how many calories I’m burning, how fast I’m running.. you know the drill), but invest on weight-lifting. I want to get my muscles tonned, not loose weight, anyway.

How do you feel about exercising during recovery? I really wanted to know your opinion – to get into the gym again, I must do a body-check. Which means I’ll now my weight, my body fat, and all kinds of measurements. I’m not quite sure that that’s what I need right now… I fear that I might be too scared of the number. I can’t afford to loose my determination to gain weight. It’s already… little.

I guess I’ll see you guys soon. Oh, and Happy Late-Thanksgiving (and Black Friday… and weekend) to all my fellow americans! And to all my other readers – wish you the most amazing Saturday :)

XOXO,

G.

terça-feira, 19 de outubro de 2010

The Sugar-Coated Question

Hey, people!

I should be studying literature and sociology now, but since I’m practically done with the writing-and-memorizing part, I guess should take this opportunity without complaint ;)

Wow. Only… wow.

It’s amazing how much things can change within a few days.

Since I last posted, things have been much easier. Thanks to all the motivating comments you guys left me and my Mom and family’s support, I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and realized I should’t be scared to put on some weight. Isn’t it exactly what I’m needing right now? I mean… it makes no sense at all to be afraid to be healthy and happy.

And, about the therapist debate… I wanted to thank you all so much for sharing your opinion. I was able to hear different points of view around the subject, which made my decision much easier.

I just got back from a session with Clara. We talked and talked… And then we decided that our weekly sessions will be over from now on. We’ll see each other every 15 days or so, though. She said she was against me stopping now – she basically said that, even though I might be getting better recovery-wise, I should not think that’s the only reason why I should have a therapist.

But I’m not sure I’ll keep seeing her for much longer. It’s been a while, and I’m still not a fan of therapy. At all.

Oh, well… Only time will tell.

Moving on to the subject I wanted to discuss in this post – candy.

It’s been YEARS since I last chewed gum/ate candy. I mean, really – I don’t even remember how’s it like. The last time I chewed gum I was probably… what, 11 years old? I’m 15, going on 16 now.

I stopped eating any kind of gum and only-sugar candies because of ED. What’s weird though, is that even at my heaviest weight (60kg in January 09) I would not eat ANY candy. The idea of candy and gum = artificial and unhealthy stuck with me… until nowadays.

My Aunt just got back from Disneyland in Orlando. She spent almost 2 weeks there with my 4-year-old cousin and her husband. They had a BLAST, obviously! My point is: she brought small gifts for all her nephews and nieces (I know, YAY!). I won an iPod cover, an Aéropostale t-shirt, a jar of Skippy PB and lots of CANDY.

I mean Kit-Kats, Skittles, Nerds, Stabursts… All of them.

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Candy-y

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The whole package… my t-shirt’s the only thing missing!

My question is…

Should I try them?

Should I give them away?

Is it worth it?

What do you think about candy/chocolate/artificial treats? Are you for it or against it?

I’d love to hear what you guys really think about the subject :)

Comment away!

See you soon!

XOXO

G.

quarta-feira, 13 de outubro de 2010

Priorities

Salut, mes chéries!

First, I wanted to thank you all for the amazing comments I’ve been receiving. Some of them were very encouraging, and definetely made my day(s). I’ll say it again: THANK YOU!

:)

Anyway. Things were going pretty smoothly on those last few days. I was challenging myself, facing real make-it-or-break-it fights with my own fears and demons, trying new things I was pretty sure I’d never try, even grazing a little bit…

But obviously, things had to go downhill from there.

Ok, I guess not so downhill after all. I mean… I still had the strenght to face a fear (a restaurant/bakery, to be more specific) at lunch. But, aside from that… I ate a mango for breakfast. The smallest apple on school break. Left more then half of my plate at lunch. Tried to eat some more when I got back home – half a small kiwi, 1/4 of a small strawberry (hello, grazer!) and about 3 tbsp of cottage cheese with a few green grapes and a bit of cinnamon. At dinner, half a baked sweet potato with ~2 tbsp of tuna salad and steamed veggies (chayote, kale).

I’m pretty sure that’s not a enough for a teenage girl in recovery. Not at all.

Let’s just say it’s pretty obvious that my behaviour today didn’t come out of nowhere. No – it had a reason…

Yesterday, I felt really full all day long. I’ve had yogurt mess (yogurt plus cereal) and a banana with PB for breakfast, coconut water from a real coconut about 2 hours later or so, a plate of Fettucine pasta with Roquefort (or Gorgonzola… something like that) sauce and spinach for lunch (left only a little less then a 1/2 of this! YAY!), plus a small slice of low-cal bread with tiny pieces of gorgonzola and brie cheeses and another banana with PB.

When I went to bed… I simply could not fall asleep. I felt fet. I felt horrible. I felt awful. I felt… worthless.

All I could think about was the countless different ways how I could restrict and fool my Mom throughout the day. Stupid, I know.

Then, all of a sudden, my worst fears became true. I was restricting. Again. It would happend all over again.

Only now I know that I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to be an anorexic. I don’t want to have disordered thoughts or behaviours anymore. I’m sick of this. Just… ENOUGH.

I know all I can (and should) do is picking myself up and trying again tomorrow. And again and again. But can you understand how I feel? It’s a no-win situation. When I eat, I feel guilty/mad at myself. And when I don’t, I feel like a complete failure! Like, after all the conversations with Mom, Dad and Clara, after all this time… How could I NOT eat right, you know?

Speaking of Clara… I am really concerned about how things will work out from now on. Clara is my therapist. I’ve missed our last two sessions and I’m about to miss our third one in a row, though. Mom says I should do something. We fought. Then, we come to the conclusion… well, we came to no conclusions. All we know is that I’m either taking a break (since I was the one to miss our sessions by choice – I went out with my grandfather the first time, then I fell asleep – I was FREAKING TIRED after that Chemistry Test – and missed my appointment again on the second time and now I’m meeting one of my best friends I haven’t seen in a long time tomorrow, which will lead me to my third no-show) or really doing something about it. Changing the day and the hour of our sessions. Commiting.

The thing is… I’m actually not a big fan of thereapy. I mean, I think it’s great for others and I do believe it can be a great tool on recovery for anyone else. But for me?

I have to be honest. I simply HATE sitting at that little sofa in front of a woman I don’t really know to talk about myself. I just feel weird. I hate hearing myself talk. Specially when it comes to my own life, my own problems. It’s like I’m on the spotlight… so uncomfortable.

It’s funny how I have no trouble writing about myself, typing down my feelings. But… saying it aloud?

Hmmm… Not really. Thank you very much.

Anyhow… I’d like to know your opinion. How do you feel about therapy? Do you think it can be a good idea? Do you have a therapist/have you ever had one?

I’m looking forward to hear you’re answers :)

Tomorrow’s the last school-day of the week, it’s Teacher’s Day on Friday! YAHOOO!

Hahaha. I should go. I’ll be back soon!

XOXO

G.

domingo, 10 de outubro de 2010

10/10/10

Hey, lovies!

I hope you’re all having a great weekend… Happy Thanksgiving to all my fellow canadians (like Susan, Ayla, Jolene…) and congratulations to all my Chicago-Marathoners (Meghann, Leslie, Theodora, Bobbi, Kelly…)!

I’m having a super special weekend. Since Tuesday’s a holiday in Brazil (it’s Kid’s Day!), I won’t have any classes until Wednesday. And, what’s better – Friday is Teacher’s Day, which means another day off!

I’m at Dad’s house right now. I chose to spend the weekend with him instead of mom, since she’ll be alone next weekend (my stepfather will be out traveling). I’m doing this so I can be there to help – taking care of both Lelê and Miguel will be quite a challenge!

Miguel will be 1 (month) tomorrow. He’s growing so fast! I love beeing around him. Newborns are really a blessing.

Anyhow. I’m here to talk about a tough subject…

Failure.

Case in point: History Olympics.

We went through all four phases… But on the fifth one we were eliminated :/

And you know what’s worst? I wasn’t even sad about it. No, I wasn’t really upset. I was ashamed.

The idea of telling my Mom and the rest of the family that I had failed was almost unbearable. I was too embarassed.

I considered telling you guys. But, again… I was ashamed. I felt like a total failure. Useless.

Tears came to my eyes, but I ignored them. I pretended everything was ok so I could make my friend (and team-partner) stop crying. It worked.

But then, when I got back home… It finally hit me.

I was sad. It would be perfectly normal to cry if I wanted to.

What really convinced me that “we can’t win them all”, though, was the FoodBuzz’s Project Food Blog.

Favorite bloggers of mine, like Allie, Callie, Susan, Caitlin, Sabrina, Katharina, Heather, Monica and Ashley didn’t advance to the 4th round.

And what does it mean? That they’re not good enough?

NO!

It simply means that other bloggers have received more votes. Maybe only a few more, who knows? But, again – you can’t win them all.

This situation made me realize…

Why should I be ashamed of failing? Everybody does! Nobody’s perfect! Besides, I can always try again next year. Right?

Oh, well. The joys of beeing a blogger =)

Blogging and learning, guys!

I’m so thankful for all the lessons blogworld has taught me… I do consider myself a (part-time) blogger, and blogworld does hold a special place in my heart.

Recovery-wise… It’s been getting easier. Intuitive eating is rough, but I can always count on my Mom to help me, to be there for me. It’s hard to see her eat so little (she says she wants to loose the remaining “baby fat” in her body) and keep eating, but she always encourages me to eat some more, to have some dessert. I’m so lucky to have the best Mom in the world =)

My relationship with Dad has improved, too. He has his defects, but so do I. Each day, I’m learning to love and accept him the way he is.

I’m obviously still struggling to win my battle over ED, but aside from that… You could say I’m truly happy =)

I’ll be back soon – maybe even before the end of the week(I know – two posts in a week?! It’s been too long, hahaha).

Happy 10/10/10, guys! Christmas’s not too far away!

XOXO,

G.

domingo, 3 de outubro de 2010

Picky-Eater?

Hello, guys!

Wow. Much has changed since I last posted. For the better, obviously :)

I can now finally say that I no longer take pictures of my eats.

FINALLY! YAAAAAY (insert happy dance here)!

Seriously, it wasn’t so easy. Actually, it wasn’t easy at all. I’ve had a rough time stopping myself. But the point is… I did.

I feel SO much better now! So much more… free.

Dessert is not forbidden anymore. Same goes for afternoon snacks.

Mom is helping me… A LOT. Gosh, how I love my Mom… she’s honestly my biggest inspiration.

She’s now trying to cut down her meals a little bit in order to loose those last few pounds from her pregnancy. Miguel is almost a month old now, so she started going out for (small) walks around our neighborhood. She can’t leave the house for more then 30 minutes or so though, because either the baby starts crying or milk starts flowing from her breasts. It’s a no-win situation :P

I can understand that. I mean, not seeing my Mom eating as much as she did can still make me feel a little weird about myself. But she’s always encouraging me, saying things like “I don’t need those calories as much as you do! In fact, you need twice as much.”

So I guess it won’t be that hard :)

On the school front, test week is over. My results were great in every subject… expect for Physics.

Gosh, I feel so guilty. I was so nervous before all my Physics exams, so I made tons of stupid mistakes… I mean, I had studied beforehand! I had studied a lot!

Oh, well. I guess all I can do now is wait for the upcoming tests… And do my best :)

Anyhow.

I wanted to discuss something with you guys. About… beeing picky.

Let’s just say that everyone around me thinks I’m nuts.

I’m not even kidding – while everyone is eating pasta with sausage and shrimp risotto for lunch and lemon pie for dessert, I’m heating up my plate with a baked sweet potato, sautéed spinach, roasted pumpkin, a hard-boiled egg, some farofa and about 2 tbsp of black beans. After lunch, when everyone else is choosing between lemon pie or ant cake, I’m secretly waiting until they leave to take a pear out of my fridge.

Whenever I go out, it’s always the same. “Oh, does it come with veggies? Look, Gabriela – it’ll suit you perfectly.”

I’m the “different” one. I’m the weird, freak-y daughter/sister/grandaughter/niece.

Mom and Dad say I should eat “normal food”. But I do! I mean… I may love fruits and veggies a little bit too much, but that’s what I like to eat! That’s what makes me feel better and that’s what I feel it’s good for me.

I mean… I know I need to gain weight, but why does it have to be the “old-school way”, as Dad would say? Why do I have to stuff myself with chocolate bars, candy and ice-cream? Why can’t it be “my way” – eating more but eating healthy?

That discussion confuses me a lot. At the same time that I think they’re beeing unfair and antiquated, it got me thinking. What if “eating healthy” means eating what ED wants me to? Could it be a way to keep my old behavious above suspiction?

I’m either right or wrong.

Should I keep eating what my body craves (deemed “healthy food”)?

Are they right? Is it true that I’ll never gain weight and be healthy-minded without “regular food”? Is it the “old-school method” the only way?

Help me out, people. I need some advice :)

Anyway, thanks (once again!) for all the nice comments you’ve left about baby Miguel. He IS the sweetiest little thing. I love him oh! so much :)

Some pics from the last few days (I went on a trip to São Paulo with my friends from school! It was SO FUN!)…

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Still at home, with baby Mig:“Oh, baby… Don’t cry…” took by Lelê (it’s her finger up there)

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At INPE, with friends

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Pretending we were making a speech

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At the Football Museum, in São Paulo

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Making fun faces… part I

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Part II

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Bored at the bus… Kinda, hahaha.

So… yeah. That was pretty much it :)

Thanks for reading, loves!

See you soon!

XOXO

G.

sexta-feira, 17 de setembro de 2010

Living, Leaning (And An Announcement)

Hello, people!

So… I know I’ve been MIA for quite some time, but… It’s actually helping me a lot. Not worrying about taking pictures and writing down every morsel of food that goes into my mouth down my throat makes a world of difference. I’m learning how to be more carefree, less stressed and less picky.

Stressing over food is… ridiculous, actually. I mean, it’s so incredibly simple… You eat to live. Food is fuel. Of course it’s fun fuel, but it shouldn’t really be nothing more and nothing less then that. Food is necessary… to keep us alive.

The most important thing I’ve learned these last few weeks was that there is more then food out there. Food’s just a detail. Life shouldn’t revolve around food. I mean, of course, if it’s a healthy relationship, that’s not a problem at all. If you’re a chef or a R.D., maybe your life DOES revolve around food. But, if you’re a healthy person, you know when and where to stop. You know the limits and boundaries between your personal life, friends and family, and your way of cooking/eating. You control your food – not the opposite.

Anyhow – it’s funny how sometimes things are just meant to be. I woke up thinking: “I know what’s missing. I need to do change things a bit, do something new. I need to challenge myself, somehow. But… how?”

Behold, during a conversation with two of my closest friends at Math class, I hear one of them asking: “Who wants to go to the mall at lunch time? We could have Stuffed Baked Potatoes for lunch at English Potato. Or strogonoff! Gosh, I love strogonoff. Who’s with me?”

The last time I had eaten a stuffed baked potato was… maybe two years ago or so.

I knew I had to say yes. And I knew that I needed to face my fear, get over it. Baked sweet potatoes were fine (I actually might have developped a bit of an obsession here… Ops. I love sweet potatoes, haha!), but regular baked ones? Out of limits. Prohibited. Out of my comfort zone.

And what did I do?

I ate a strogonoff-stuffed baked potato. It was the size of my head, and unfortunately I could barely make a dent in it… But, still. I ordered it. I ate it. I was having fun with my friends… And not obssessing about what I was eating. Guess what? It felt amazing. So worth it.

Anyway. I promise I’ll be back with more stories and experiences during my recovery path, but as I’m in test week… I’m sorry for beeing so distant, guys. But, believe me – I still read your comments, and I still love all of them! Thank you so much for keeping in touch with me. I’m such a lazy busy girl – I have no time answer you back, comment on your blogs… I read them everytime I can, but that’s unfortunately not as often as I’d like.

As soon as I’m done with my tests, I’ll get back to business. Pinky promise!

“THE” ANNOUNCEMENT

Guys… Guess what?

I mean… guess WHO?

For those who said baby Miguel… Congratulations!

My baby brother was borned on September 11th (I know… the terrorist attack day), at 11:47am. I was at my Dad’s house, so I only arrived at the hospital by 3pm. It was a nightmare – all I wanted was to be by my Mom’s side and to meet the newest boy of the family. I cried for hours, until I got there. It was such a beautiful moment, though, when I got there. When I saw him for the first time, I knew. I’m truly, madly and deeply in love with Miguel!

He’s the cutiest thing I’ve ever seen. Seriously. And he’s so tiny! I’m always worried about hurting him on accident. He looks so fragile… And cute…

I’ll let you guys judge by yourselves…

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C’mon.

What’s NOT to love?!

His name is Miguel Eduardo. He’s 6 days old. But most importantly – he’s the love of my life!

I’m pretty sure that all my future posts will include at least a tiny note or a pic of baby Miguel. Unevitable, haha.

Again, I promise to keep in touch with you all!

You’ll be hearing from me again soon…

Wish you all a magnificent weekend!

XOXO

G.

quarta-feira, 1 de setembro de 2010

Cette Fois, C’est Different

Salut, mes amis!

As you can see, I’m in a very french mood right now…

Hahaha – I have SO many things to share!

Let’s see…

- the National History Olympics have officially begun! Me and my team passed the 1st phase, and the 2nd one is on until tomorrow- I´m so excited!

- my baby brother is on his way! Mom went to the doctor today, and everything’s ready for the big day :)

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- my portuguese composition was chosen! Technically speaking, I WON the competition! Me and a few other students had their composition picked to be a part of a book by SINEPE (an institution that represents all schools in my estate – Rio de Janeiro). M. Marília (the directress of my school) came to congratulate me, and now all my teachers are coming to me to say how happy they are for me. YAY!

Well… I guess those are the top 3 news.

Yippie, right?

Besides, I´ve been:

- studying a lot

- hanging out with my friends as often as I can (YAY for “carefree-ness”!)

- taking food pics (I plan on stopping this soon… seriously)

- trying on new workouts, like hydrogymnastics

But, most of all, I´ve been trying to focus on my recovery.

It´s harsh. Everybody knows it. I knew it.

Yet I did not know it would be so… unstable.

I just read Fi’s post on her recovery path these days… And Jessica’s…

And I often feel the same way. More often then not, I feel that recovery is not worth it. I have really bad self-image right now, and I’m constantly “double-checking” just to make sure I’m still thin. To see if my clothes are still ridicously big on me. If my size 0 pants are still falling to the ground. It’s actually pretty ridiculous.

I WANT to recover. But it seems like wanting is not enough – I need to do something about it. To keep my eyes on the big prize: heath (as my gorgeous friend Gabriela says).

I feel like I’m beeing such an hypocrite all the time. And… maybe I am.

I mean… talking and writing about it is the easy part. But the real deal, the EATING part? That’s another story.

I’m so sorry to bother you all with my personal issues. But I need to let it out somehow – I know that the fault is all mine. Not my Mom’s. Or my Dad’s.

Actually, they’re the good guys. They only want me to be happy. And even after all this time, they didn’t give up on me. How incredibly kind is that? “Incondicional love” does exist, people. I know that now.

Anyhow… I just feel that I should really take this whole thing more seriously. I don’t want to hear from people around me that I look like a 11-year-old little girl anymore. I want to grow, to have my period back, to have my healthy glow back, my “voluptuous” butt back…

I do. I do. I do.

Please, let me know if you guys have any ideas. I feel like I have started this whole thing with the wrong foot. I wanna do it right… And I might need some help.

On a happier note… Life without calorie-count is AMAZING. Seriously, I’ve never felt so free before. I might have a long way to go… But I finally took the first step!

Let’s see what we have in here, photo-wise…

WOW. Get ready…

GO!

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Baked Sweet Potato, Baked Beans, Grilled Chicken, Sautéed Spinach, Egg Farofa

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Pineapple Popsicle

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Pear (x40.000.000.000)

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Mango (x99.999.999.999.999.990)

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Grilled Chicken, Steamed Veggies

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Papaya Slice

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Toast with Requeijão, Skim Milk with Chocolate Powder

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Medium-Sized Plain Fro-Yo with mango and pineapple as toppings

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Apple (once or twice a day, sometimes more)

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Spinach Quiche, Chickpea Salad, Tabouli Salad and fresh OJ

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“There’s a cat in my backpack!”

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Sushi-filled plate, ginger, raw veggies and pineapple

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Sashimi hand rolls, sashimi pieces (salmon, tuna, white fish, grilled tuna)

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Cute sushi rolls

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Pear+Mango= LOVE

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Caprese Tower, Spinach Quiche, Tabouli Salad

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Vegetable Calzone

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Medium-Sized Plain Fro-Yo – with pineapple and mango

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Carrot-Ginger soup with Whole Wheat Cracker

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Lunching with Grandma!

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Veggie Focaccia

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Fresh OJ on the side

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Goat Cheese Soufflé Salad for sharing

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“Holy YUM, Grandma!”

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Smoked Salmon and Cream Cheese Baguette for her

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Zucchini Bread – bought for later on!

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It tasted amazing, by the way… :)

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Just the usual…

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Salad: cherry tomato, grated beets and carrots, broccoli, cauloflower, heart-of-palms, turkey breast, buffalo mozzarella and gorgonzola

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Beet Pie, Grilled Chicken, Black Beans, Farofa

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Leftover Pesto Cassava Gnocchi

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Toast, Cottage Cheese, Apple

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My usual quiche combo with a side of Iced Tea

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Salad from Frontera’s buffet

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Dessert: pineapple and mango

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Baked sweet potato and pumpkin, tomatoes, grilled chicken, beets, farofa, black beans

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Toast+Cottage Cheese, chocolate powder with skim milk

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The usual quiche combo with a side of fresh OJ

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Baked sweet potato and pumpkin, tomato slices, farofa and black beans, two turkey meatballs

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Sweet Potato, Pumpkin, Black Beans, Farofa

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Turkey Breast and White Cheese Calzone

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Pineapple slices 

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“Summer Plate” at Vegetarian Rio

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Grandma’s Feast – pasta, black beans, cassava, heart-of-palms, chicken, spinach pie

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Turkey Breast and Ricotta on a Whole Wheat Bread anf Fruit Salad on the side

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Mango, Pineapple, Papaya. Layered :)

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Mango, blog-style cut :)

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Hard-Boiled Egg, Veggie Quiche, Grilled Veggies…

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Plus take #2, because Mom told me to

Wow. I’m so sorry – this is just a mess. To be honest, it seems like this whole post was all over the place. I guess I just had way too many pics to share. And this is only about half of them! Eeeeek, hahaha :)

Anyway… I guess this is it. I’be coming back soon, to update you all on my “recovery status”…

Oh, guys. I can’t thank you enough.

Thanks for reading, commenting, writing me back… I really appreciate it.

Wish you a wonderful evening!

XOXO,

G.